Someone To Watch Over Me.

There's a saying old says that love is blind,
Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find."
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind.
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet;
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever think of with regret.
I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see,
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome.
To my heart he carries the key.
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed,
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone who'll watch over me.


See, Gershwin said so. Seek and ye shall find. And he meant it regarding love. I have to look for it to find it. So that's what I'm doing, mmkay? Mmkay!

Do It And I'll Fuckin' Spank You.

Let me get this straight. You don’t believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass. That poem, “The Walrus and the Carpenter,” that’s an indictment of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter’s son, he represents the Western religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them, and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don’t know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one’s inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, “Do it… do it and I’ll fuckin’ spank you!”

~*~*~

The above is a quote from the movie, Dogma. There's a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that it is just a work of comedy, not to be taken seriously. But, Loki's above argument is certainly believeable. I can say that I do believe his message. Organized religion has smacked everyone into line, forcing them to beleive, obey the rules, and live purely. I can truly say that organized religion has duped all humans worldwide into believing in some words written on paper by some bigotist, sexist, racist men from a couple thousand years ago. For all we know, those men could have just made up a pretty long story. Oh, and when they wrote the stories they'd been told for centuries, passed down from generation to generation, they were just writing down the stories as they remembered them. The funny thing about that: let's remember the "telephone" game from elementary school. One person retells a story and it gets twisted and turned in all sorts of ways. Who can believe anything they remember their parents telling them. Does my point here make sense? Maybe I'll finish this rambling later. I can't think of anything else to write. But now you know a portion of my religious affiliation.

How To Heal, Part 1.

"I often meet people who aren't part of a church and don't want anything to do with God because of 'all those religious hypocrites.' Often they have great pain that they blame on 'the church.' But it is not possible for an institution, whether it's a church or a school or a business or even the government, to hurt somebody.

Institutions are made up of people.

People hurt people.

Somebody in this group hurt somebody in that group. Somebody at that school or in that office wronged somebody else. And they haven't done the work to apologize and make amends and work though it. When I meet someone who has been burned by an institution, my first question is, "What was the person's name?"

We'll never heal until we can identify who did what when. Only then can we begin the process of being set free."

From the book Sex God by Rob Bell. (I, the owner of this blog, haven't actually read the book. I took the quote from someone's profile page on another site.)



After reading that, I don't quite understand what I need to do. Obviously, I need to point out various figures who did hurt me in the past. Do I need to point out those who didn't? I can't even begin to list anybody who's ever hurt me, especially from any given and particular institution. I would certianly not do it on such a public forum, either. Maybe I need to just take some time and think about who has hurt me and how they've done so. Should I post it here and attempt to get help from those who care, or hide it from the world for solitary healing?

How do you start to heal?

Bogus And Empty.

What happens when I sit down to watch one of those sentimental, "boy meets girl" movies? I get sappy. I get emotional. I get... girly.

Those chick flicks, as they've been deemed, are giving every girl who watches them a false sense of reality. Love doesn't ever happen that way. As much as we want it to, it just can't. Regarless of which chick flick you're watching, here's the plot: boy meets girl, they fall for each other, boy fucks, girl gets angry, separation, boy begs for forgiveness, girl realizes she loves him, girl takes him back, happily ever after. LOVE NEVER HAPPENS THIS WAY!

However, every woman in America hopes and hopes to find the knight in shining armor and for their scenario to pan out exactly like that. Every girl is sadly mistaken. It won't ever happen that way. Sorry girls. No matter how much of a hopeless romantic you are, it just won't happen.

I recently wrote a very heart-felt, endearing letter to a friend of mine, a man I truly love with all my heart, soul, body. As much as I'd like to think hopeless romantic acts such as writing love letters might help the boy to realize just how much he loves me, it just won't happen. The harsh reality is that he sees me only as a friend. I'm glad I can still call him my best friend, because I would be completely lost and abandoned without him. But love letters don't cut it.

So let's talk about my other caring side. I met this guy a couple weeks ago. We've talked quite a bit on the phone. He seems really nice. Thursday I asked him if he wanted to go out for his birthday. He said he'd call back. Didn't. We did, however, already have plans for me to take him out Friday night. When he said he would call me back after he was out of class, do you think he did? Nope. Later in the evening he texts saying he's got some other plans, but he might stop by the bar I, then, go to a bit later. Whavever. Does he come by? No. He goes downtown, to JR's. When I leave the bar I'm at, I call him. He's drunk and wants someone to come hang out with him. And if you know me well enough at all, you'll know that I go down and pick him up. As soon as I walk in the door, he starts flirting with every other guy in the place, knowing full well that I like him. What the fuck?! So he wants to go to this other bar, Charlie's. So what do I let him do? I let him lead me around, where he tries to hit on some guys there, albeit without luck. He's tired, so I take him home.

Now, Saturday night. I'm hanging out with another friend, and once her boyfriend came home, I split to leave them alone. Going downtown again, what scene do I run in to? He's again hitting on every guy there. He meets up with a guy he met online, who happens to turn out to be a creep and a nerd, so this guy begs me to help get rid of him. I do my friendly duty to help out, and problem solved. Then, we stroll down to Charlie's again, where, on our way, he gets very flirty and touchy-feely. I like it, and I start to open up a little bit more, becoming comfortable once again. Becoming happy once again. And then, we get to Charlie's, and what do you think happens? He starts flirting with every other guy there, ignoring me, wandering off, leaving me alone. And if you know me well enough, leaving me alone in a place I'm unfamiliar in, I'm gonna start to freak out. Both Friday and Saturday nights, he always asked me how I was feeling, if I was okay. I always said yes. I was disturbingly amused at watching him dance in circles from guy to guy at the bar. Well, at Charlie's, he says he's going to the bathroom. I told him I'd be right where I was, and about 15 minutes later, I see him walk out the front door. I try calling him to see where he's going; no answer. So I chase him down, and what happens? I thought you left me. Nope. I was right where you left me. I tell him I'm not feeling well and that I want to go home. He asked to go to the bathroom once more, so I let him. I sit outside for about 20 minutes, smoke a couple of cigarettes, and get frustrated, again. So I go inside, and what do I see? He's standing there making out with some complete stranger he just met at the bar.

So now I'm upset, hurt, pissed, angry, hurt some more, and just overall frustrated. I text him, telling him to fuck off and that I'm leaving without him. He calls me about 10 minutes after I'd left asking what the problem was. I tell him, he pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about. And I explain to him why his actions of the past few nights hurt me so damn much.

I tell him, "Every guy I have ever liked, every guy I have ever shown any kind of interest in, every guy I have ever met has let me down brutally on nights such as this. Every guy has treated me with such disrespect that, when a new guy does come along to give me the time of day, I get very excited and hopeful that this one will be different." I told him, "I met you, and you were genuine. You opened up to me, and you let me open up to you. And I thought you would be different. I thought I had a chance. I thought I could finally have found a guy who'll give me the chance I deserve, the respect I need, the love I yearn for."

He said he knew that I liked him and that, because he was new to town, he just needs to time to adjust, to meet new friends, new people. Experience new things. I told him that's understandable, but he needs to have more respect for the person who graciously offers to go all the way downtown to pick up his drunk ass and take him home so he doesn't have to spend more money on a cab.

All in all, chick flicks are bogus. Hopeless romantics and their methods (ie. love letters) are empty. And men are fucking assholes.