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American Civics Quiz
http://www.americancivicliteracy.org/resources/quiz.aspx
What's more sad is that our elected officials, in general, know less about American civics than the average citizen: http://www.americancivicliteracy.org/2008/additional_finding.html
In the last almost 75 years in America, there has been so much more concentration on math and science that we've lost our focus on our beginnings. I, personally, as a historian, feel that, without considerable knowledge of how America began and where we came from, we cannot progress and fight to ensure the very rights for which we faught tremendous battles to gain in the first place. The fact that many Americans don't understand free-market capitalism or the powers of the federal government's individual branches really is remarkable and quite saddening - people don't know how their elected officials and government works for them. [The worst part: "Officeholders and non-officeholders find it equally difficult to identify the three branches of government. Only 49% of each group can name the legislative, executive, and judicial."]
So not only do we need to focus on the math and science that push America's technological future forward, but we also need to fully comprehend HOW America works, where we started, and what got us to where we are today in order to keep moving forward. They always say, "learn from your mistakes." Well, we can't do that without knowing what those mistakes were. Let's learn about the mistakes, and work to prevent them from happening again - make America, and Americans, better. Learn your history.
12.18.2008
I hate...
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
~10 Things I Hate About You.
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
~10 Things I Hate About You.
12.03.2008
Homoeroticism in gay networking sites.
On a certain gay networking site of which I'm a member there was recently an ad posted looking for decent models to be in a campaign touting the site as better than others - particularly those with half-naked pictures of me showing six-pack abs and who only want to hook up or show off their dicks just for attention. I applied, thinking to myself, "I'm just what they're looking for: someone who doesn't post half-naked photos of myself just for attention, someone who hates the fact that gay men use their bodies to get what they want, someone who hates the oversexualization of gay dating." A few days later, I was informed that I wasn't chosen for the campaign - at least, not this go-around.
Today, surfing that site, I see the profile of an administrator of the site standing with one of the models chosen: A tall, slender man with rosy cheeks, blonde hair, and a cute smile, standing, arms wrapped around a slightly shorter, yet perfectly tanned and sculpted muscle god with an apparant V-line disappearing into a showing boxer-brief line just above the rise of his jeans.
And this model is now the image of what is supposed to be a "nice" place to meet guys without the tensions of exposed perfect bodies casting shadows over those who don't feel comfortable [or slutty?] enough to share their midsections to the whole world. What happened to saving one's body for the one they love? What happened to surprise and secrecy? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? If I know what's under a shirt, it somehow makes it far less intriguing as to what's underneath.
I don't know why I wasn't selected for this modeling spot, but as I see it, it seems to be apparant that the directors of this site chose to portray a "nice" site which features shirtless, ripped men, sending the image that the gay community is just full of 6-pack-boastin', perfectly-tanned gym rats who are more concerned about their outward image than actually meeting a decent, sweet, kind-hearted, caring man.
Today, surfing that site, I see the profile of an administrator of the site standing with one of the models chosen: A tall, slender man with rosy cheeks, blonde hair, and a cute smile, standing, arms wrapped around a slightly shorter, yet perfectly tanned and sculpted muscle god with an apparant V-line disappearing into a showing boxer-brief line just above the rise of his jeans.
And this model is now the image of what is supposed to be a "nice" place to meet guys without the tensions of exposed perfect bodies casting shadows over those who don't feel comfortable [or slutty?] enough to share their midsections to the whole world. What happened to saving one's body for the one they love? What happened to surprise and secrecy? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? If I know what's under a shirt, it somehow makes it far less intriguing as to what's underneath.
I don't know why I wasn't selected for this modeling spot, but as I see it, it seems to be apparant that the directors of this site chose to portray a "nice" site which features shirtless, ripped men, sending the image that the gay community is just full of 6-pack-boastin', perfectly-tanned gym rats who are more concerned about their outward image than actually meeting a decent, sweet, kind-hearted, caring man.
7.03.2008
An internal monologue
I was talking with my roommate last night and decided that life sould be like a TV show, particularly something similar to Grey's Anatomy. I want to wake up each morning, walk around the streets of town, sit at work or lunch, talk with friends, and be able to have this internal monologue airing loudly over my head and nobody can hear it. Just me.
I want to be able to endure each day when my only real problems involve sex and relationships and where money is not a problem.
I want to be able to lay my head to my pillow each night and not have bigger problems on my mind, like where my next car or rent payment will come from, or how tight the month's budget will be.
It seems like each character doesn't live the life of the real person. These images, these characters are merely figments of someone's imagination, forsaking reality for interest, leaving real life in the dust to speed along a highway of a dreamland where bills and money don't matter. That's not real life. It's just TV.
I was thinking this afternoon that most of humanity these days has lost a great deal of innocence and reality, humility and respect. Every day people drive to work, to the store, to clubs and bars and parties, and back home. Scratch that. They don't drive. They race. Race to the top. Ten, fifteen, twenty miles over the speed limit. Walking faster and faster through the store, down the street, through the office, not stopping to smell the flowers, admire the trees or the mountains, see the clouds. Too many people these days have lost the sence of wonderment that we all posessed as children. They no longer stop to make a new friend or to help the little old lady get that box off the top shelf. Put your blinders on and keep on walking.
I want to go back to a time when people were polite, when the driver to your left wasn't angry, laying on the horn, flipping the bird at the car behind him. I want to go back to the days when everyone was innocent, when exceptions were made, when humanity, humbleness, and innocence prospered.
That was the same time when having a BA could guarantee you a job, set for life, and rapid vertical movement within a company, just because you spent four years studying more than anyone else. Now, it just makes you as ordinary as everybody else. Experience doesn't stand a chance anymore; it's about how much money you've shelled out to pay for different letters in the title: MA or Ph.D.
In just a few moments, I'm going to leave for the bar with my roommate. I'm going to drive about ten miles over the speed limit on the highway. I'm going to have a few beers, and we're going to come home. I know I shouldn't, because the real human problem bouncing through my mind all night will tell me money is tight and I shouldn't be out spending. And when I come home, my head will hit the pillow, and I'll still wonder how I'm going to pay for new contacts and my car registration next month, on top of my rent, car, and student loan payments.
I'm going to go to bed tonight as a real human. Not a character. Because I have real problems, real worries, and a real life.
I want to be able to endure each day when my only real problems involve sex and relationships and where money is not a problem.
I want to be able to lay my head to my pillow each night and not have bigger problems on my mind, like where my next car or rent payment will come from, or how tight the month's budget will be.
It seems like each character doesn't live the life of the real person. These images, these characters are merely figments of someone's imagination, forsaking reality for interest, leaving real life in the dust to speed along a highway of a dreamland where bills and money don't matter. That's not real life. It's just TV.
I was thinking this afternoon that most of humanity these days has lost a great deal of innocence and reality, humility and respect. Every day people drive to work, to the store, to clubs and bars and parties, and back home. Scratch that. They don't drive. They race. Race to the top. Ten, fifteen, twenty miles over the speed limit. Walking faster and faster through the store, down the street, through the office, not stopping to smell the flowers, admire the trees or the mountains, see the clouds. Too many people these days have lost the sence of wonderment that we all posessed as children. They no longer stop to make a new friend or to help the little old lady get that box off the top shelf. Put your blinders on and keep on walking.
I want to go back to a time when people were polite, when the driver to your left wasn't angry, laying on the horn, flipping the bird at the car behind him. I want to go back to the days when everyone was innocent, when exceptions were made, when humanity, humbleness, and innocence prospered.
That was the same time when having a BA could guarantee you a job, set for life, and rapid vertical movement within a company, just because you spent four years studying more than anyone else. Now, it just makes you as ordinary as everybody else. Experience doesn't stand a chance anymore; it's about how much money you've shelled out to pay for different letters in the title: MA or Ph.D.
In just a few moments, I'm going to leave for the bar with my roommate. I'm going to drive about ten miles over the speed limit on the highway. I'm going to have a few beers, and we're going to come home. I know I shouldn't, because the real human problem bouncing through my mind all night will tell me money is tight and I shouldn't be out spending. And when I come home, my head will hit the pillow, and I'll still wonder how I'm going to pay for new contacts and my car registration next month, on top of my rent, car, and student loan payments.
I'm going to go to bed tonight as a real human. Not a character. Because I have real problems, real worries, and a real life.
6.20.2008
Devastation.
So I know I haven't posted in quite a long time, and seeing my most recent post makes me incredibly distraught as it refers to a happiness recently ended. Recently, I endured a week without talking to the man who makes me happier than anything in the world.
Well, let's back up a few weeks.
On the two-month anniversary of our first date, I decided I would take a giant leap and tell the man about whom I care deeply just how much I care for him; I told him I love him. It was an awkward night. Nerves kicked in, upset stomachs took over. Awkward, indeed. Nevertheless, it seems everything was fine.
But I guess an old friend and new conversations got him to thinking. So began almost an entire week of not talking to this man about whom I care so much. Torture ensued within me when he wouldn't return my voicemails or answer my calls. The pain through which I went that week just devastated me. I didn't know what I'd done to warrant such blatant neglect. I was scared that I was losing him.
Finally, he comes into my work one Saturday afternoon. He was with friends; he didn't say more than a handful of words to me. It was definitely awkward. After work that night, he actually answered his phone for the first time in a week, and told me he was too tired to come see me. I guess I'm not much of a prize to seek anymore. So much has changed from the time when he would beg me to go into work late just so he could stay over and not have to get up so early to leave.
I didn't call him at all for three days. Finally, he calls me Tuesday night (6/17), and tells me he has something to tell me, that he doesn't want to come over to see me, and that he has to tell me this something in person. But, since he won't come over to see me, he says I have to wait until Friday to get together to see him. There's no way in hell I'm going to wait all week to find out this news (which may or may not be good at all). So he tells me.
He doesn't feel a spark.
He gave it time. He tried.
Nothing.
And since I told him that I loved him,
he felt that he was just dragging me along.
For all the wrong reasons.
The thought of never getting to kiss him again, never holding him at night, it just tears me apart. The first man I'd ever dated, and truly cared about beyond just another hot guy I know. He's the first man who's ever showed me just how special I really am - and he made me feel and believe it, too. Because of him, I willingly got kicked out of my house, stood up to my father for his bigoted hatred of "fags," and did what I had to do to live my OWN life outside of my parent's house. He is the world to me, and I would willingly still do anything for him.
Last night, I was hanging out with an old friend from college. I had a huge crush on him, and thought I'd be so happy to date him now. But sitting there, watching a movie with him, something wasn't right. It wasn't the man I care about. It wasn't the same. I couldn't hold his hand or cuddle with him. He wasn't my love.
I cried again last night, laying in bed cuddling with a pillow. I can't kiss the pillow goodnight.
I'm crushed.
Torn.
Devastated.
And I don't know what to do.
I want him back so badly.
Well, let's back up a few weeks.
On the two-month anniversary of our first date, I decided I would take a giant leap and tell the man about whom I care deeply just how much I care for him; I told him I love him. It was an awkward night. Nerves kicked in, upset stomachs took over. Awkward, indeed. Nevertheless, it seems everything was fine.
But I guess an old friend and new conversations got him to thinking. So began almost an entire week of not talking to this man about whom I care so much. Torture ensued within me when he wouldn't return my voicemails or answer my calls. The pain through which I went that week just devastated me. I didn't know what I'd done to warrant such blatant neglect. I was scared that I was losing him.
Finally, he comes into my work one Saturday afternoon. He was with friends; he didn't say more than a handful of words to me. It was definitely awkward. After work that night, he actually answered his phone for the first time in a week, and told me he was too tired to come see me. I guess I'm not much of a prize to seek anymore. So much has changed from the time when he would beg me to go into work late just so he could stay over and not have to get up so early to leave.
I didn't call him at all for three days. Finally, he calls me Tuesday night (6/17), and tells me he has something to tell me, that he doesn't want to come over to see me, and that he has to tell me this something in person. But, since he won't come over to see me, he says I have to wait until Friday to get together to see him. There's no way in hell I'm going to wait all week to find out this news (which may or may not be good at all). So he tells me.
He doesn't feel a spark.
He gave it time. He tried.
Nothing.
And since I told him that I loved him,
he felt that he was just dragging me along.
For all the wrong reasons.
The thought of never getting to kiss him again, never holding him at night, it just tears me apart. The first man I'd ever dated, and truly cared about beyond just another hot guy I know. He's the first man who's ever showed me just how special I really am - and he made me feel and believe it, too. Because of him, I willingly got kicked out of my house, stood up to my father for his bigoted hatred of "fags," and did what I had to do to live my OWN life outside of my parent's house. He is the world to me, and I would willingly still do anything for him.
Last night, I was hanging out with an old friend from college. I had a huge crush on him, and thought I'd be so happy to date him now. But sitting there, watching a movie with him, something wasn't right. It wasn't the man I care about. It wasn't the same. I couldn't hold his hand or cuddle with him. He wasn't my love.
I cried again last night, laying in bed cuddling with a pillow. I can't kiss the pillow goodnight.
I'm crushed.
Torn.
Devastated.
And I don't know what to do.
I want him back so badly.
5.28.2008
I think I love you.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you laugh.
Or it's the way you get so amused at little things.
Or the way you let me cuddle with you and smother you all night long, just so I can feel safe.
Or the way we judge movie previews together.
And how I still get the jitters when you call
(I still get butterflies, by the way).
Or maybe it's how you kiss me.
Or how we laugh when we're in bed together.
Or how I feel so natural with you in my arms.
And maybe I'm so scared at where this is going.
Part of me feels too right.
Part of me feels too safe.
Something inside me is telling me that something could go wrong.
I don't want to be crushed.
Not again.
Something tells me this feels so good. It feels perfect.
Cuddling. Kissing.
Loving.
Is this love?
I think I love you.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of falling without a safety net.
I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
I'm afraid that one day I'll be left alone in the dark, again,
like I was before I met you,
when you saved me.
I'm petrified of being the over-protective,
tremendously jealous,
rediculously,
insanely,
psychotically derranged boyfriend
that smothers,
hinders,
prevents,
and accuses,
even when there's nothing to be jealous of.
So walk with me,
talk with me,
just be with me.
Only me.
I'm ready for committment.
I'm ready for trust,
and understanding,
and true love.
A love there is no cure for.
The love I've been waiting for
my whole life long.
Or it's the way you get so amused at little things.
Or the way you let me cuddle with you and smother you all night long, just so I can feel safe.
Or the way we judge movie previews together.
And how I still get the jitters when you call
(I still get butterflies, by the way).
Or maybe it's how you kiss me.
Or how we laugh when we're in bed together.
Or how I feel so natural with you in my arms.
And maybe I'm so scared at where this is going.
Part of me feels too right.
Part of me feels too safe.
Something inside me is telling me that something could go wrong.
I don't want to be crushed.
Not again.
Something tells me this feels so good. It feels perfect.
Cuddling. Kissing.
Loving.
Is this love?
I think I love you.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of falling without a safety net.
I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
I'm afraid that one day I'll be left alone in the dark, again,
like I was before I met you,
when you saved me.
I'm petrified of being the over-protective,
tremendously jealous,
rediculously,
insanely,
psychotically derranged boyfriend
that smothers,
hinders,
prevents,
and accuses,
even when there's nothing to be jealous of.
So walk with me,
talk with me,
just be with me.
Only me.
I'm ready for committment.
I'm ready for trust,
and understanding,
and true love.
A love there is no cure for.
The love I've been waiting for
my whole life long.
5.27.2008
Maybe.
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
Maybe we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.
Maybe you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
Maybe there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your girlfriend/boyfriend - - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.
Maybe you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
Maybe you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Maybe you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship.
Maybe we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.
Maybe you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
Maybe there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your girlfriend/boyfriend - - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.
Maybe you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
Maybe you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Maybe you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship.
4.23.2008
The moment.
Sunday, April 13, 2008. We were at the movie theater, "Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day." It was the first night he held my hand... He knew I was too nervous to make that move; he did it for me. While the opening trivia and such was rolling, he asked me to go get him some popcorn, those beautiful, brown, puppy-dog eyes of his staring up at me. They just seemed to say, "I need you. Please be my man." That moment was the one. As I looked into his eyes, and replied, "Anything for you." That was it. That's when my heart released its full emotion to him. That's when my heart became his.
4.20.2008
Sleepsong
Lay down your head
And I'll sing you a lullaby
Back to the years
Of loo-li,lai-ley
And I'll sing you to sleep
And I'll sing you tomorrow
Bless you with love
For the road that you go
May you sail fair
To the far fields of fortune
With dimonds and pearls
At your head and your feet
And may you need never
To banish misfortune
May you find kindness
In all that you meet
May there always be angels
To watch over you
To guard you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you
Safe from all harm
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley
May you bring love
And may you bring happieness
Be loved in return
To the end your days
Now fall off to sleep
I'm not meaning to keep you
I'll just sit for awhile
And sing
Loo-li,lai-ley
May there always be angels
To watch over you
To guard you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you
Safe from all harm
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley
Sleepsong.
By: Secret Garden.
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley
And I'll sing you a lullaby
Back to the years
Of loo-li,lai-ley
And I'll sing you to sleep
And I'll sing you tomorrow
Bless you with love
For the road that you go
May you sail fair
To the far fields of fortune
With dimonds and pearls
At your head and your feet
And may you need never
To banish misfortune
May you find kindness
In all that you meet
May there always be angels
To watch over you
To guard you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you
Safe from all harm
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley
May you bring love
And may you bring happieness
Be loved in return
To the end your days
Now fall off to sleep
I'm not meaning to keep you
I'll just sit for awhile
And sing
Loo-li,lai-ley
May there always be angels
To watch over you
To guard you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you
Safe from all harm
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley
Sleepsong.
By: Secret Garden.
Loo-li,loo-li,lai-ley
4.19.2008
It's been far too long
So I know it's been quite a while since I've written. I've got a lot to update on since my last real update-esque blog back in December, so hold on tight!
First of all, the "break-up" with the asshole was rough at first. He begged for me back. Many times. Of course, I thought about it, apprehensive all the while. Luckily, I have some very smart and supportive friends who steered me away from him and his neussances. He still texts me every once in a while. I'm going to start ignoring them. I don't deserve that.
I've been seeing this new guy, Joseph. I really like him a lot. He's so sweet and wonderful and funny. We've had about four or five great dates now, and I've even shared my first kiss ever with him. Last night we went out to the Paramount Cafe downtown, ran into a couple of friends of his, and as I was dropping him off at home at the end of the evening, I really wanted to just blurt out, "I love you!" Things are going slowly... which begs the question in my mind: how slow is too slow, and how fast is too fast? We've done the whole holding hands, had our first kiss (which was everything I'd expected and more... simply fireworks!), and last night there was hand holding and knee touching and stuff while we were out. The thing I want most is to cuddle with him on the couch, watch a movie, cuddle in bed all night and just hold him in my arms. I want to be able to kiss him and hug him and care for him. I wake up in the mornings wishing he were there with me. I fall asleep at night so saddened at his absence that I cuddle with pillows to ease my pain, even if just slightly. I want this to work. So badly. I deserve it.
I've never had a boyfriend. The asshole to whom i referred above doesn't count. I never met him. Ever. None of my previous assholes count either. Everything I've ever had that might even resemble a fraction of a relationship has only been online, never meeting them, nothing ever coming of it. Therefore, none of it counts. I've been treated like shit, used, abused, tossed aside like a meaningless old rag, and, not once have I ever been cared for with the same passion and enthusiasm with which I love those men I thought could have been something more. It's time that I found someone who'll treat me with respect. Joseph does. He once told me that he wasn't feeling sparks. Probably because I was too nervous and shy to open up fully to him. I'm working on that; each day is a step forward. But he said that I'd done everything right - initiated the conversations, asked him out on a first date, asked him out on a second date; I TRIED! Since then, he initiated the third date, the hand holding, and the kissing. (I'll never forget his gorgeous, deep brown eyes looking up at me beneath the stars when he asked me, "So are you gonna kiss me yet?" I miss that. I want that again.) Call me a hopeless romantic, but I would like to think that I have a highly plausible chance of having my first boyfriend very soon. I want to change my status and say "In a Committed Relationship." I want to be able to answer questions when coworkers ask about my boyfriend. I would die to be able to not flirt with someone because I have my man, the man for whom I care about deeper and more passionately than anything I've ever cared about before.
We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!
First of all, the "break-up" with the asshole was rough at first. He begged for me back. Many times. Of course, I thought about it, apprehensive all the while. Luckily, I have some very smart and supportive friends who steered me away from him and his neussances. He still texts me every once in a while. I'm going to start ignoring them. I don't deserve that.
I've been seeing this new guy, Joseph. I really like him a lot. He's so sweet and wonderful and funny. We've had about four or five great dates now, and I've even shared my first kiss ever with him. Last night we went out to the Paramount Cafe downtown, ran into a couple of friends of his, and as I was dropping him off at home at the end of the evening, I really wanted to just blurt out, "I love you!" Things are going slowly... which begs the question in my mind: how slow is too slow, and how fast is too fast? We've done the whole holding hands, had our first kiss (which was everything I'd expected and more... simply fireworks!), and last night there was hand holding and knee touching and stuff while we were out. The thing I want most is to cuddle with him on the couch, watch a movie, cuddle in bed all night and just hold him in my arms. I want to be able to kiss him and hug him and care for him. I wake up in the mornings wishing he were there with me. I fall asleep at night so saddened at his absence that I cuddle with pillows to ease my pain, even if just slightly. I want this to work. So badly. I deserve it.
I've never had a boyfriend. The asshole to whom i referred above doesn't count. I never met him. Ever. None of my previous assholes count either. Everything I've ever had that might even resemble a fraction of a relationship has only been online, never meeting them, nothing ever coming of it. Therefore, none of it counts. I've been treated like shit, used, abused, tossed aside like a meaningless old rag, and, not once have I ever been cared for with the same passion and enthusiasm with which I love those men I thought could have been something more. It's time that I found someone who'll treat me with respect. Joseph does. He once told me that he wasn't feeling sparks. Probably because I was too nervous and shy to open up fully to him. I'm working on that; each day is a step forward. But he said that I'd done everything right - initiated the conversations, asked him out on a first date, asked him out on a second date; I TRIED! Since then, he initiated the third date, the hand holding, and the kissing. (I'll never forget his gorgeous, deep brown eyes looking up at me beneath the stars when he asked me, "So are you gonna kiss me yet?" I miss that. I want that again.) Call me a hopeless romantic, but I would like to think that I have a highly plausible chance of having my first boyfriend very soon. I want to change my status and say "In a Committed Relationship." I want to be able to answer questions when coworkers ask about my boyfriend. I would die to be able to not flirt with someone because I have my man, the man for whom I care about deeper and more passionately than anything I've ever cared about before.
We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!
3.22.2008
Straight Acting: The Truth Behind the Myth
Straight Acting: The Truth Behind the Myth
Mar 17, 2008
by Duane Wells
Los Angeles, CA - Do you really know what it means to be “straight acting”? Or do you just think you know?
If you’re a gay man, you have more than likely encountered the term ‘straight acting’. In fact, through your experience with online dating, networking or a range of other gay-themed social interactions, you’ve probably even formulated a definition of the term—irrespective of whether or not you’ve ever employed it to describe either yourself or someone with whom you’ve been acquainted. However, your own characterizations of what ‘straight acting’ implies may only begin to touch upon the personal relevance and import of a description that has increasingly come to be used as a defining characteristic among gay men.
Beyond the simple meaning of the heterocentric classification, the larger questions are—How accurate are our perceptions of what it means to be ‘straight acting’? What is the source of those perceptions? And what are their implications on the lens through which we view ourselves and relate to the outside world?
Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love, the new book from author, columnist and psychotherapist Angelo Pezzote, answers all of these questions and more in a compelling and sometimes deeply personal way. A sort of guide book on navigating issues like internalized homophobia, self-esteem and building sustainable relationships based on healthy principles, Pezzote’s new tome provides a road map to real intimacy for all men—gay and straight.
In a recent GayWired exclusive interview, the popular "Ask Angelo" columnist talked about the inspiration for his new book, what it really means to be ‘straight acting’ and how gay men sometimes resemble characters right out of the film Mean Girls.
GayWired: What inspired you to write this book?
Angelo Pezzote: I think there’s some truth in that what we teach is also what we need to learn most. My passion came mostly from my own struggle coming to terms with the issues, particularly from when I lived in West Hollywood. While I tried my best, I just wasn't an L.A. person.
I couldn't relate to the people there and it was a painfully lonely time. Emergent from this personal experience, in combination with my professional education and clinical experience, I was inspired to address the problem because I realized I wasn’t the only gay man feeling the way I did. There were many gay men who felt lonely just like me no matter where they lived.
So, besides helping others, writing the book was a way for me to figure out what was happening in our community around disconnection, and to figure out a way for all of us to work through it together. In this way, I think we’re all students and teachers.
GW: So as a student yourself in this process, what was the most revealing or enlightening lesson you personally got from your journey in writing this book?
AP: The intellectual endeavor to "map" Straight Acting- the what is it, where does it come from, and how does it work—the first half of the book, helped me tremendously to cope with it myself; and to help other gay men cope with it through my private practice, workshops, retreats, Ask Angelo advice column, podcasts, teleseminars, and AskAngelo.com website. We can change something if we understand it. Which leads me to the second part of the book, which focuses on solutions.
Thinking those out and writing them inspired me to live my advice each day, not just preach it. So I strive to embody my words.
What was particularly enlightening was adopting a daily practice to stay emotionally open, despite life's daily challenges. It's the idea of being fully yourself and being loving, rather than focusing on trying to get love—thinking it's something you don't have—from someone else. It's focusing on what's present, not absent. It's celebrating what's right about you, not wrong. Now that's attractive! And it gets your man.
GW: What separates Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love from other gay self-help books?
AP: I think my book reflects a slice of reality -the truth of the way a piece of it really is that comes from the heart. I think both my own self-disclosures and the stories of the men I share in it makes it honest, human, and wise. I think this enables my book to touch readers’ hearts and souls, as well as their minds, which allows the book to have a greater affect and inspire real change.
GW: Speaking of self- disclosure, this book is very personally revelatory. Were there any parts that were difficult for you to write or re-live?
AP: No. I'm pretty self-aware. What was challenging for me was deciding what to reveal and how much of that to reveal, and what to keep. I made my decisions based on making sure that what I shared was both on topic and benefited the reader. In other words, that my sharing wasn't for me, but more for my message and my audience.
GW: Chapter two suggests that every gay man needs to read this book. Why do you think that?
AP: I do think every gay men—out or otherwise—can benefit from reading this book. I think that homonegativity is so strong and pervasive that even though we may not be aware of it—even though we may not even consciously subscribe to it—it can still run our lives. It works like the white noise machine I have in my office. I'm aware that it's on when I first turn it on. But after awhile, I don't notice it anymore. I don't even hear it even though it's on. I'm not aware of it again until I go to shut it off when I leave.
Similarly, we're constantly bombarded with powerfully influential messages of how to be a "real man" in America. They are so prevalent that they just become part of us… ingrained. And we can collude, even in the subtlest of ways, to tone down our gayness and pump up our manhood to escape feminizing gay stereotypes. We deal with anti-gay sentiment from the time we're very young. And that homophobia and heterosexism can be traumatizing.
So we learn to mute our gayness to conform in order to be more "acceptable." This "straight acting, straight appearing," "discreet," straight guise that most of us do to some degree to protect ourselves, and win more love, is gay male drag. It's buzz cuts, ink, goatees, military, athletic, or other manly uniforms, youthful gym bodies, and more. It's gay men's camouflage. It's a gay decoy that says "I'm gay, but I'm not a faggot. I have value because I'm masculine."
I'm not anti-masculine. If you're masculine that's fine. If you're not, that's fine too. A mix—fine. It's when we take on society's idea that to be a man means being masculine. It's using masculinity as a cover, to not be "too flamboyant." You don't have to be effeminate if you're not. You just have to be the gay man you are without any facade.
In fact, while my focus is on gay men, I think all men can benefit from reading my book. Moreover the book is for any person who's experienced any form of oppression for it's empowerment.
GW: You counsel gay men as your career. So on the scale of issues affecting gay men today what do you rank as the most pressing?
AP: Absolutely, the internalized homophobia we ingest from our polluted environment. Anti-gay sentiment creates shame and low esteem, which in turn drives self-destructive behavior like unsafe sex, alcohol and drug abuse, excessive dieting and exercise, as well as anxiety, depression, addiction, attitude, straight acting, and disconnection. All of that puts a wedge between gay men and comes from internalized homophobia. It disrupts how we connect with ourselves and one another. I think it impacts every facet of our lives.
GW: Allow me to play devil’s advocate. As younger gay men are learning to be very comfortable with their sexuality from a very young age, do you think the concept of identifying as ‘straight-acting’ is becoming increasingly generational? Does this shift among gay youth represent progress?
AP: I think there's basically two camps of the young generation. One that fully embraces who they are, censoring nothing about themselves, and wanting to be recognized and treated just like anyone else—which represents progress.
However, other gay youth ditch the gay label, wanting to be seen as "normal" from that place of shame I've been talking about.
So whether it's progressive, or it's just an extension of the closet—the closet of masculinity, depends on where the youth is coming from—a place of esteem or a place of shame. We can't forgot the staggering gay youth suicide rates as well as the rising practice of unsafe sex, new HIV infection rates, and alcohol and drug abuse among gay youth. Obviously shame and low esteem, that come from internalized homonegativity and drive these self-destructive behaviors, are still an issue. All is not yet well in paradise. While I recognize and appreciate progress, being gay is still hard.
GW: How do you feel about Los Angeles these days? Still feel like it’s not your kind of town?
AP: While LA is fine, I'm just not an LA person.
GW: Fair enough. But given your own negative experience with living in a gay mecca, what do you say to gay men about reconciling where they live with how they live? Especially if the old adage ‘Wherever you go, there you are’ holds true.
AP: It's funny ‘cause I think we can be most like Mean Girls in our gayest places: West Hollywood, Chelsea, FireIsland, Provincetown—heck even in gay bars, clubs and organizations where we ought to treat each other more like big brothers. The level of attitude can be toxic.
Counterintuitively, some gays in less metropolitan places may in fact find more of a sense of friendliness and connectedness in their community than their counterparts in large cities who can feel extremely isolated. So I don't think it's about where you live at all. We have an issue of disconnect in the gay men's community that needs to be addressed and it transcends location.
Mar 17, 2008
by Duane Wells
Los Angeles, CA - Do you really know what it means to be “straight acting”? Or do you just think you know?
If you’re a gay man, you have more than likely encountered the term ‘straight acting’. In fact, through your experience with online dating, networking or a range of other gay-themed social interactions, you’ve probably even formulated a definition of the term—irrespective of whether or not you’ve ever employed it to describe either yourself or someone with whom you’ve been acquainted. However, your own characterizations of what ‘straight acting’ implies may only begin to touch upon the personal relevance and import of a description that has increasingly come to be used as a defining characteristic among gay men.
Beyond the simple meaning of the heterocentric classification, the larger questions are—How accurate are our perceptions of what it means to be ‘straight acting’? What is the source of those perceptions? And what are their implications on the lens through which we view ourselves and relate to the outside world?
Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love, the new book from author, columnist and psychotherapist Angelo Pezzote, answers all of these questions and more in a compelling and sometimes deeply personal way. A sort of guide book on navigating issues like internalized homophobia, self-esteem and building sustainable relationships based on healthy principles, Pezzote’s new tome provides a road map to real intimacy for all men—gay and straight.
In a recent GayWired exclusive interview, the popular "Ask Angelo" columnist talked about the inspiration for his new book, what it really means to be ‘straight acting’ and how gay men sometimes resemble characters right out of the film Mean Girls.
GayWired: What inspired you to write this book?
Angelo Pezzote: I think there’s some truth in that what we teach is also what we need to learn most. My passion came mostly from my own struggle coming to terms with the issues, particularly from when I lived in West Hollywood. While I tried my best, I just wasn't an L.A. person.
I couldn't relate to the people there and it was a painfully lonely time. Emergent from this personal experience, in combination with my professional education and clinical experience, I was inspired to address the problem because I realized I wasn’t the only gay man feeling the way I did. There were many gay men who felt lonely just like me no matter where they lived.
So, besides helping others, writing the book was a way for me to figure out what was happening in our community around disconnection, and to figure out a way for all of us to work through it together. In this way, I think we’re all students and teachers.
GW: So as a student yourself in this process, what was the most revealing or enlightening lesson you personally got from your journey in writing this book?
AP: The intellectual endeavor to "map" Straight Acting- the what is it, where does it come from, and how does it work—the first half of the book, helped me tremendously to cope with it myself; and to help other gay men cope with it through my private practice, workshops, retreats, Ask Angelo advice column, podcasts, teleseminars, and AskAngelo.com website. We can change something if we understand it. Which leads me to the second part of the book, which focuses on solutions.
Thinking those out and writing them inspired me to live my advice each day, not just preach it. So I strive to embody my words.
What was particularly enlightening was adopting a daily practice to stay emotionally open, despite life's daily challenges. It's the idea of being fully yourself and being loving, rather than focusing on trying to get love—thinking it's something you don't have—from someone else. It's focusing on what's present, not absent. It's celebrating what's right about you, not wrong. Now that's attractive! And it gets your man.
GW: What separates Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love from other gay self-help books?
AP: I think my book reflects a slice of reality -the truth of the way a piece of it really is that comes from the heart. I think both my own self-disclosures and the stories of the men I share in it makes it honest, human, and wise. I think this enables my book to touch readers’ hearts and souls, as well as their minds, which allows the book to have a greater affect and inspire real change.
GW: Speaking of self- disclosure, this book is very personally revelatory. Were there any parts that were difficult for you to write or re-live?
AP: No. I'm pretty self-aware. What was challenging for me was deciding what to reveal and how much of that to reveal, and what to keep. I made my decisions based on making sure that what I shared was both on topic and benefited the reader. In other words, that my sharing wasn't for me, but more for my message and my audience.
GW: Chapter two suggests that every gay man needs to read this book. Why do you think that?
AP: I do think every gay men—out or otherwise—can benefit from reading this book. I think that homonegativity is so strong and pervasive that even though we may not be aware of it—even though we may not even consciously subscribe to it—it can still run our lives. It works like the white noise machine I have in my office. I'm aware that it's on when I first turn it on. But after awhile, I don't notice it anymore. I don't even hear it even though it's on. I'm not aware of it again until I go to shut it off when I leave.
Similarly, we're constantly bombarded with powerfully influential messages of how to be a "real man" in America. They are so prevalent that they just become part of us… ingrained. And we can collude, even in the subtlest of ways, to tone down our gayness and pump up our manhood to escape feminizing gay stereotypes. We deal with anti-gay sentiment from the time we're very young. And that homophobia and heterosexism can be traumatizing.
So we learn to mute our gayness to conform in order to be more "acceptable." This "straight acting, straight appearing," "discreet," straight guise that most of us do to some degree to protect ourselves, and win more love, is gay male drag. It's buzz cuts, ink, goatees, military, athletic, or other manly uniforms, youthful gym bodies, and more. It's gay men's camouflage. It's a gay decoy that says "I'm gay, but I'm not a faggot. I have value because I'm masculine."
I'm not anti-masculine. If you're masculine that's fine. If you're not, that's fine too. A mix—fine. It's when we take on society's idea that to be a man means being masculine. It's using masculinity as a cover, to not be "too flamboyant." You don't have to be effeminate if you're not. You just have to be the gay man you are without any facade.
In fact, while my focus is on gay men, I think all men can benefit from reading my book. Moreover the book is for any person who's experienced any form of oppression for it's empowerment.
GW: You counsel gay men as your career. So on the scale of issues affecting gay men today what do you rank as the most pressing?
AP: Absolutely, the internalized homophobia we ingest from our polluted environment. Anti-gay sentiment creates shame and low esteem, which in turn drives self-destructive behavior like unsafe sex, alcohol and drug abuse, excessive dieting and exercise, as well as anxiety, depression, addiction, attitude, straight acting, and disconnection. All of that puts a wedge between gay men and comes from internalized homophobia. It disrupts how we connect with ourselves and one another. I think it impacts every facet of our lives.
GW: Allow me to play devil’s advocate. As younger gay men are learning to be very comfortable with their sexuality from a very young age, do you think the concept of identifying as ‘straight-acting’ is becoming increasingly generational? Does this shift among gay youth represent progress?
AP: I think there's basically two camps of the young generation. One that fully embraces who they are, censoring nothing about themselves, and wanting to be recognized and treated just like anyone else—which represents progress.
However, other gay youth ditch the gay label, wanting to be seen as "normal" from that place of shame I've been talking about.
So whether it's progressive, or it's just an extension of the closet—the closet of masculinity, depends on where the youth is coming from—a place of esteem or a place of shame. We can't forgot the staggering gay youth suicide rates as well as the rising practice of unsafe sex, new HIV infection rates, and alcohol and drug abuse among gay youth. Obviously shame and low esteem, that come from internalized homonegativity and drive these self-destructive behaviors, are still an issue. All is not yet well in paradise. While I recognize and appreciate progress, being gay is still hard.
GW: How do you feel about Los Angeles these days? Still feel like it’s not your kind of town?
AP: While LA is fine, I'm just not an LA person.
GW: Fair enough. But given your own negative experience with living in a gay mecca, what do you say to gay men about reconciling where they live with how they live? Especially if the old adage ‘Wherever you go, there you are’ holds true.
AP: It's funny ‘cause I think we can be most like Mean Girls in our gayest places: West Hollywood, Chelsea, FireIsland, Provincetown—heck even in gay bars, clubs and organizations where we ought to treat each other more like big brothers. The level of attitude can be toxic.
Counterintuitively, some gays in less metropolitan places may in fact find more of a sense of friendliness and connectedness in their community than their counterparts in large cities who can feel extremely isolated. So I don't think it's about where you live at all. We have an issue of disconnect in the gay men's community that needs to be addressed and it transcends location.
2.26.2008
That fine, fine line.
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love,
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line between, "you're wonderful," and, "goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime.
But there's a fine, fine line between love,
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door,
And walk away.
There's a fine, fine line between together and not.
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you've got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line between love,
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love,
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line between, "you're wonderful," and, "goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime.
But there's a fine, fine line between love,
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door,
And walk away.
There's a fine, fine line between together and not.
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you've got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line between love,
And a waste of time.
2.21.2008
Yes. Far too late to apologize.
I'm Holding On Your Rope
Got Me Ten Feet Off The Ground
And I'm Hearing What You Say
But I Just Can't Make A Sound
You Tell Me That You Need Me
Then You Go And Cut Me Down
But Wait...
You Tell Me That You're Sorry
Didn't Think I'd Turn Around And Say..
That It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I'd Take Another Chance, Take A Fall, Take A Shot For You
And I Need You Like A Heart Needs A Beat
(but That's Nothing New)
Yeah Yeah
I Loved You With A Fire Red, Now It's Turning Blue
And You Say
Sorry Like An Angel, Heavens Not The Thing For You,
But I'm Afraid
It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologizes, It's Too Late
Woahooo Woah
It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, Yeah Yeah
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, A Yeah
I'm Holding Your Rope
Got Me Ten Feet Off The Ground...
Got Me Ten Feet Off The Ground
And I'm Hearing What You Say
But I Just Can't Make A Sound
You Tell Me That You Need Me
Then You Go And Cut Me Down
But Wait...
You Tell Me That You're Sorry
Didn't Think I'd Turn Around And Say..
That It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I'd Take Another Chance, Take A Fall, Take A Shot For You
And I Need You Like A Heart Needs A Beat
(but That's Nothing New)
Yeah Yeah
I Loved You With A Fire Red, Now It's Turning Blue
And You Say
Sorry Like An Angel, Heavens Not The Thing For You,
But I'm Afraid
It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologizes, It's Too Late
Woahooo Woah
It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, It's Too Late
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, Yeah Yeah
I Said It's Too Late To Apologize, A Yeah
I'm Holding Your Rope
Got Me Ten Feet Off The Ground...
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