It's been far too long

So I know it's been quite a while since I've written. I've got a lot to update on since my last real update-esque blog back in December, so hold on tight!


First of all, the "break-up" with the asshole was rough at first. He begged for me back. Many times. Of course, I thought about it, apprehensive all the while. Luckily, I have some very smart and supportive friends who steered me away from him and his neussances. He still texts me every once in a while. I'm going to start ignoring them. I don't deserve that.


I've been seeing this new guy, Joseph. I really like him a lot. He's so sweet and wonderful and funny. We've had about four or five great dates now, and I've even shared my first kiss ever with him. Last night we went out to the Paramount Cafe downtown, ran into a couple of friends of his, and as I was dropping him off at home at the end of the evening, I really wanted to just blurt out, "I love you!" Things are going slowly... which begs the question in my mind: how slow is too slow, and how fast is too fast? We've done the whole holding hands, had our first kiss (which was everything I'd expected and more... simply fireworks!), and last night there was hand holding and knee touching and stuff while we were out. The thing I want most is to cuddle with him on the couch, watch a movie, cuddle in bed all night and just hold him in my arms. I want to be able to kiss him and hug him and care for him. I wake up in the mornings wishing he were there with me. I fall asleep at night so saddened at his absence that I cuddle with pillows to ease my pain, even if just slightly. I want this to work. So badly. I deserve it.


I've never had a boyfriend. The asshole to whom i referred above doesn't count. I never met him. Ever. None of my previous assholes count either. Everything I've ever had that might even resemble a fraction of a relationship has only been online, never meeting them, nothing ever coming of it. Therefore, none of it counts. I've been treated like shit, used, abused, tossed aside like a meaningless old rag, and, not once have I ever been cared for with the same passion and enthusiasm with which I love those men I thought could have been something more. It's time that I found someone who'll treat me with respect. Joseph does. He once told me that he wasn't feeling sparks. Probably because I was too nervous and shy to open up fully to him. I'm working on that; each day is a step forward. But he said that I'd done everything right - initiated the conversations, asked him out on a first date, asked him out on a second date; I TRIED! Since then, he initiated the third date, the hand holding, and the kissing. (I'll never forget his gorgeous, deep brown eyes looking up at me beneath the stars when he asked me, "So are you gonna kiss me yet?" I miss that. I want that again.) Call me a hopeless romantic, but I would like to think that I have a highly plausible chance of having my first boyfriend very soon. I want to change my status and say "In a Committed Relationship." I want to be able to answer questions when coworkers ask about my boyfriend. I would die to be able to not flirt with someone because I have my man, the man for whom I care about deeper and more passionately than anything I've ever cared about before.


We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!