Thank You.

thank you for that night
thank you for fun
thank you for not calling
thank you for leading me on
thank you for not trying
thank you for your trick
thank you for fooling me
thank you for hurting me
thank you for letting me fall
and not being there to catch me
thank you for not calling
thank you for not talking
thank you for not givng me a chance
thank you for failing
thank you for nothing

you led me on
you let me fall
you crushed my hopes
you hurt me

as unintentional as you may have been,
you didn't call,
you led me on,
and you let me believe that something could have happened.
who chases whom?
did i not call early enough?
did i call too much?
you couldn't have called?
what hurts the most is that you didn't have the decency to tell me yourself.
you could have at least told me yourself
that you weren't interested,
that you just wanted to be friends.
you could have called!
YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED!
i'm sure you knew how i felt.
thanks for letting me believe
that things could have been different.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

De tardes negras | About Black nights
que no hay tiempo | Where there's no time
ni espacio | And there's no space
y nadie nunca entenderà | And no one will ever understand
quedarte puedes | Can you stay
porque la vida duele | Cause it hurts me hurts me
duele demasiado aqui sin ti | Hurts me to death without you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Una è troppo poco...due sono tante
Quante principesse nel castello mi hai nascosto
TI VOGLIO BENE...te lo dicevo anche se non spesso
TI VOGLIO BENE...me ne accorgevo prima più di adesso
Tre sono poche..quattro sono troppe
Quante quelle cose che hai rinchiuso nel castello e ancora..
TI VOGLIO BENE...e nonostante tutte le attenzioni
TI VOGLIO BENE...dall'altro ieri invece da domani non lo so

One is too little...two are too many
How many princesses did you hide from me in the castle
I CARE FOR YOU...I told you, even if not often
I CARE FOR YOU...I was more aware of it before than now
Three are too little..four are too many
How many things did you lock up in that castle
I CARE FOR YOU...and despite all your attentions
I CARE FOR YOU...since the day before yesterday
But, as of tomorrow I don..t know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Solo que pensaba lo inùtil que es desvariar
Y creer que estoy bien cuando es invierno pero tu
No me das tu amor constante
No me abrazas y repites que soy grande
Me recuerdas que revivo en muchas cosas...na na na na na na na na
Casa, viajes, coches, libros, paginas de diario
Que aun si ya no valgo nada por lo menos yo
Te permito caminar
Y si quieres te regalo sol y mar
excusa, sabes, no quisiera molestar
Pero como esto puede acabar
No me lo puedo explicar
Yo no lo puedo explicar

Only I thought how useless it is to rave
And believing to be fine when it..s winter and you
Take your warm hands away
You stop hugging me and repeat that I..m a grown up,
you remind me that I..m reflected in many things...nananana
Houses, books, cars, travels, newspapers.. pages
And even if I..m not worth much, at least
I give you the opportunity to dream
And if you feel like it, to let you walk
Excuse me, I..d never want to annoy you
But can you tell how to stop all this ?
I can't figure it out
I can't figure it out

I'm Sorry.

i'm sorry for thinking.
i'm sorry for smiling.
i'm sorry for dancing.
i'm sorry for thinking i had a chance.
i'm sorry for thinking you were different.
i'm sorry for giving love a chance.
i'm sorry for feeling like there was a connection.
i'm sorry for trying.
i'm sorry for trying to not mess up.
i'm sorry for messing up.
i'm sorry i pushed you away.
i'm sorry you can't handle me.
i'm sorry you can't talk to me.
i'm sorry i made you uncomfortable.
i'm sorry i clung on.
i'm sorry i'm not good enough.
i'm sorry i'm not worth your time.
i'm sorry i'm not perfect.
i'm sorry for giving my all.
i'm sorry for caring.
i'm sorry for holding out my arms.
i'm sorry for catching you.
i'm sorry for being there.
next time i may let you fall all the way.
i'm sorry for listening.
i'm sorry for talking.
i'm sorry for feeling.
i'm sorry for feeling.
i'm sorry for feeling.
i'm sorry for feeling like you were special.
i'm sorry for feeling for you.
i'm sorry for giving you time.
i'm sorry i'm not the one.
i'm sorry that you didn't listen.
i'm sorry that you couldn't try.
i'm sorry that you wouldn't dare.
i'm sorry.

but i did think.
i did smile.
i did dance.
i did think i had a chance.
i did think you were different.
i gave you a chance.
i saw something special.
i tried to make something good.
i tried not to mess up.
i messed up. again.
i pushed. too hard.
you can't handle me.
you won't talk to me.
you are uncomfortable.
i clung.
but i am good enough.
i am worth your time.
i'm not perfect,
but i give my all.
i care.
i hold out my arms.
i catch you. each time.
i am there.
next time, i still won't let you fall.
i will listen.
i will talk.
i do feel.
i do feel.
i do feel.
i feel you are special.
i feel for you.
i will keep giving you time.
i am the one.
you have to listen.
you have to try.
you have to dare.
to dream.
to try.
to love.

It's My Time.

you know how much i hate to say this... because i never say anything
like this at all, to anybody, ever... but dammit, when will i get my
time?

i want somebody, for once, to drop everything and come to me to help
me. for once, i want to be the center of attention. i hate saying
that, but dammit, i need to be loved, for once in my life, i need
somebody to just hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

god damn it, you listen up.
and you listen good.
coz i can't do this again.
but i have a heart, damnit.
and i have feelings.
love.
compassion.
caring.
honesty.
truth.
generosity.
above all, generosity.
i give all the love my heart has, and i give it wholeheartedly,
without fault, without anger, without spite, without hatred.
i give my love
and support
and trust
and i ask nothing more in return than to be loved
suppored
and trusted.
but that is just not possible.
i AM worth is, dammit
i AM worth something!
but maybe i'm just a fuck up
maybe i'm just not cut for this whole damn dating thing.
i took my time.
i didn't call every hour.
i didn't text ever 10 minutes.
and other than asking his friends for help with clarifying what was
tangling up in my mind,
i don't think i came off as desperate.
and he never called me back.
i just want to talk.
i want to get to know him.
because i know friends first is best.
and whatever happens,
happens.
i let him into my heart.
he made me new.
he made me whole.
he made me comfortable, secure, and safe.
he showed me that i really can love myself
for who i am.
but then i read that he intended to just be friends
and though it shouldn't have
it crushed me.
i fell and crashed like a parachute jumper
pushed from a plane
without a parachute.
i'm a helpless, vulnerable little field mouse,
only waiting to be snatched up by some vulture
who'll only toy with me
and leave me by the side of the road.

dammit, i don't want to be snatched up
thrown around
gnawed on
and torchured
anymore.

unfortunately,
i don't know how not to love.
how not to feel.
how not to open up.
how not to trust.
i just can't abandon my friends,
especially those who need the emotional support
that i seem to offer so extremely well.
it's my biggest weakness.
i care.
and i can't not care.
i can't not love.
i can't not have compassion.
i care, and i care, and i care, and i care.
and i only get trampled,
hurt,
thrown around.
damnit, how the fuck
do i not get hurt?

that being said, there are two people to whom this is ultimately directed:
TAKE A CHANCE ON ME! Dammit, I'm WORTH it! I have a heart of GOLD,
and YOU DON'T REALIZE it! You don't know how much I can love, how much
I can give, how much I can care! Open your eyes, see what I have to
offer, because I know you want it, I know you NEED it. Take a chance.
Branch out. Give me a chance. You won't regret it, I swear.

I Could Be Happy.

I could be happy and you won't know
But I wasn't happy the day you watched me go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

(I'll) do the things that I always wanted to
Without you there to hold me back, don't think, just do

More than anything you (probably) want to see me go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world




(Edited from "You Could Be Happy," Snow Patrol, Eyes Open.)

Take A Chance On Me.

If you change your mind, Im the first in line
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If youve got no place to go, if youre feeling down
If youre all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it aint no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(thats all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as were together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
cos you know Ive got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream Im alone with you
Its magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I cant let go

If you change your mind, Im the first in line
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If youve got no place to go, if youre feeling down
If youre all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it aint no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(come on, give me a break will you? )
Take a chance on me

Oh you can take your time baby, Im in no hurry, know Im gonna get you
You dont wanna hurt me, baby dont worry, I aint gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
Its magic
You say that I waste my time but I cant get you off my mind
No I cant let go
cos I love you so

If you change your mind, Im the first in line
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If youve got no place to go, if youre feeling down
If youre all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby cant you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby cant you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
Honey Im still free
Take a chance on me

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect;
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door
and pull out your chair like, I was raised to do

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not an asshole

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just f**k you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy


I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I'm no longer there, to be used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes around

I'm sorry
that i trusted you not to cheat on me and you did it anyway

I'm sorry
that im not your vision of perfection and will never be flawless because its impossible

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry that you can't realize
I've been the one all along

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all
I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
that you say you love me but are still with him
and you're not doing anything about it

People always bitch and bitch to their friends that there is never any good guys out there anymore, and they always end up with assholes who treat them bad. Well next time you're bitching, maybe look up to see who you're bitching too, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word like usual, screaming in his head, "Why don't you give me a try?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

How Dare You.

How dare you deny me life?
How dare you deny me liberty?
How dare you deny me happiness?
Freedom?
Equality?
A CHOICE?

Aren't all these things above those very virtues for which this country stands and protects? The Revolutionary War, just a few hundred years ago, was fought so that we could have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We've fought world 'round so that Americans could enjoy freedom and equality. But most of all, we stand for a CHOICE, the ability for each and every person to choose one's own destiny, to be happy, and to be free. Obviously Americans no longer wish to allow some people that ability to choose, to be free, and to be equal any longer.

For God's sake, LEAVE US ALONE! It's hard enough having to go through what we do to figure out who we are and to be true to ourselves. Seriously, back off. Let us have happiness, let us LOVE WHO WE CHOOSE!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, BACK OFF!!!
Pull your head out of your asses and realize that this country has enough other problems to deal with; we don't need this shit and we DON'T need you legislating bigotry, hatred, and discrimination!

FUCK YOU, COLORADO!
FUCK YOU.

Because.

Because gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people are discriminated against in housing and employment.
Because how we act is more important than who we are.

Because if we get harassed,
it's our problem.

Because if we get attacked,
we provoked it.

Because if we raise our voices,
we're flaunting ourselves.

Because if we enjoy sex
we're perverts.

Because if we have AIDS
we deserve it.

Because if we march with pride
we're recruiting children.

Because if we want or we have children
we are unfit parents.

Because if we stand up for our rights
we're overstepping our boundaries.

Because we are forced constantly to question our own worth as
human beings.

Because if we don't have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex
we haven't given it a chance.

Because if we have a relationship with someone of the same sex
it is not recognized.

Because we are told our love is not
"real."

Because if we come out of the closet
we're just going through a phase.

Because lesbian and gay history
is virtually absent from literature.

Because homophobia is sanctioned by the Supreme Court
and because I refuse to pass down their message of hate...

I AM PART OF THE LesbianGayBisexualTransgender CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT!

Hunger Hurts.

"Hunger hurts,
and I want him so bad oh it kills,
cuz I know Im a mess
that he dont want to clean up,
I got to fold
because these hands are just too shaky to hold,
hunger hurts
but starving works
when it costs too much to love..."

I can think of a couple people this could be about.

I'm so lonely / So lonely / So lonely and sadly alone
There's no one / Just me only / Sitting on my little throne / I work very hard and make up great plans / But nobody listens, no one understands / Seems that no one takes me seriously
And so I'm lonely / A little lonely / Poor little me
There's nobody / I can relate to / Feel like a bird in a cage / It's kinda silly / But not really / Because it's filling my body with rage
I work really hard and I'm physically fit / But nobody here seems to realize it / When I rule the world maybe they'll notice me / But until then I'll just be lonely / Little lonely, poor little me.

Yup, that's me. Lonely. I'm usually not one to dump all my shitty feelings upon my friends - I don't cry to them, I don't stress out on them, they're not there to hear my sob stories - and I'm usually the one to whom they come looking for a little consolidation and aide in dealing with their problems. And my inability to just talk to somebody, to vent, and maybe even get some answers has led me to venting only in my blog. Like that song above, nobody listens, nobody's around to help, nobody understands. The worst part: nobody takes me seriously. Like I might have said a blog or two ago, every damn time I like somebody, I go slow, be friends first (like the advise tells me), and then slowly try to move into a relationship. But every goddamned time he comes and says something like, "I think we should just be friends," "I'm not ready for a relationship," "I need time to sort out my feelings," or, "I don't think we can go anywhere beyond friendship." They don't take me seriously - I HAVE FEELINGS TOO GODDAMN IT! I have feelings, I have a heart (it's fragile enough as it is!), yet I continue to be hurt, I continue to set myself up for failure. Through this most recent ordeal, I've realized my problem: I cared too much too soon.

I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't make these feelings go away. I care, and a lot, at that. I find a nice guy, and I really do care about him - I want him to succeed, I want him to have good things in life, I want to be there with him, even if just to hang out as friends (though I'd LOVE for it to be more) - but I can't seem to separate the good friendship from the desire to date him. What makes a man so irresistable for me? I don't want the sex. All I want is to hold him in my arms as we cuddle, to hold his hand, to give him those sweet little kisses that show I care. Why the fuck do I care too much? What is it in me that makes me care, that makes me such a kind-hearted, yet easily heart-broken, person? Is there something wrong with me, that I care, that I love - and have a lot of it to give to one person?

So, somebody take me seriously, please. My heart has been trampled on one too many times, and I'm tired of being hurt. I know one option would be to change and become a cold-hearted bitch, don't open up, let nobody in, and care about nobody, but I just can't do that. I don't have it in me to be mean, coneiving, and decietful to anybody. Goddamn, just let me love you!

I Can't Do This On My Own.

these feelings just won't go away.
no, they won't go away.
they keep haunting me,
dancing around like the ghosts on my bedroom wall.

i don't quite know what else to say, but i fell, and it's hard to pick myself back up. you said you don't think it would work out. but the thing is, you won't know until you try. you didn't even try.

How Could This Happen To Me?

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Maybe I'm just not good enough for you
And maybe I just don't wanna be like you

And maybe I just don't wanna know
How low you're ready to go
I'm not gonna change
You can't make me woh

You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You're what I never wanna be

Tell me does it feel good to be like you
Tell me why should I waste my time with you

'Cuz maybe you always bring me down
I'm sick of being pushed around
I'm not gonna change
You can't make me

woh

You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You're what I never wanna be

I know you think you know me
You don't know anything
I know you want to help me
I don't need anything
Don't tell me where to go
I don't need you to know
no woh

You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You don't You don't You don't You don't
You don't mean anything to me
You're what I never wanna be
You don't mean anything to me
You're what I never wanna be

Once You've Learned to Be Lonely.

But once you've learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you've known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you've learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh, it changes you
There's a lot you have to undo
Once you've learned to be lonely

I've built these walls, but I feel them falling down
Touch by touch your love is my way out

(from "Once You've Learned To Be Lonely," Reba McEntire)