It's My Time.

you know how much i hate to say this... because i never say anything
like this at all, to anybody, ever... but dammit, when will i get my
time?

i want somebody, for once, to drop everything and come to me to help
me. for once, i want to be the center of attention. i hate saying
that, but dammit, i need to be loved, for once in my life, i need
somebody to just hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

god damn it, you listen up.
and you listen good.
coz i can't do this again.
but i have a heart, damnit.
and i have feelings.
love.
compassion.
caring.
honesty.
truth.
generosity.
above all, generosity.
i give all the love my heart has, and i give it wholeheartedly,
without fault, without anger, without spite, without hatred.
i give my love
and support
and trust
and i ask nothing more in return than to be loved
suppored
and trusted.
but that is just not possible.
i AM worth is, dammit
i AM worth something!
but maybe i'm just a fuck up
maybe i'm just not cut for this whole damn dating thing.
i took my time.
i didn't call every hour.
i didn't text ever 10 minutes.
and other than asking his friends for help with clarifying what was
tangling up in my mind,
i don't think i came off as desperate.
and he never called me back.
i just want to talk.
i want to get to know him.
because i know friends first is best.
and whatever happens,
happens.
i let him into my heart.
he made me new.
he made me whole.
he made me comfortable, secure, and safe.
he showed me that i really can love myself
for who i am.
but then i read that he intended to just be friends
and though it shouldn't have
it crushed me.
i fell and crashed like a parachute jumper
pushed from a plane
without a parachute.
i'm a helpless, vulnerable little field mouse,
only waiting to be snatched up by some vulture
who'll only toy with me
and leave me by the side of the road.

dammit, i don't want to be snatched up
thrown around
gnawed on
and torchured
anymore.

unfortunately,
i don't know how not to love.
how not to feel.
how not to open up.
how not to trust.
i just can't abandon my friends,
especially those who need the emotional support
that i seem to offer so extremely well.
it's my biggest weakness.
i care.
and i can't not care.
i can't not love.
i can't not have compassion.
i care, and i care, and i care, and i care.
and i only get trampled,
hurt,
thrown around.
damnit, how the fuck
do i not get hurt?

that being said, there are two people to whom this is ultimately directed:
TAKE A CHANCE ON ME! Dammit, I'm WORTH it! I have a heart of GOLD,
and YOU DON'T REALIZE it! You don't know how much I can love, how much
I can give, how much I can care! Open your eyes, see what I have to
offer, because I know you want it, I know you NEED it. Take a chance.
Branch out. Give me a chance. You won't regret it, I swear.