The Calendar Blog

October 4, 2007: The best night of my life. I met Justin in the Connexion chat room while I was house-sitting for my friend. We hit it off pretty well. Let's look back on part of the conversation that night:
Me: if you ever want a babysitter while you're
out on hot dates, i'l volunteer!
Justin: lol thanks
Justin: you arnt gunna be my hot date?
Me: are you asking me out?
Justin: lol maybe when I get there
At that time, I really didn't think anything of it. Yeah, it made me melt like ice cream on a hot July afternoon. But I tried not to get my hopes up. I knew what could happen if I did. I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to get let down. I didn't want another disappointment. So, over the next couple weeks, I just played it cool and went with the flow. Something I've never done before, it took so much effort to NOT fall for him as quickly as I did with other guys. I held myself up. I didn't make a big fuss about it. The biggest part: I didn't go and tell everybody I know every thing that happened between him and I; I just kept him my little secret while I waited to see where fate would take us.

Looking at the next week or so, I realize how much I began to fall. I've learned so much about him. He began a blog on this very site not long after I met him. I remember him telling me and sending me the link. I remember reading it for the first time. "A look at life through my eyes. A single father, a cancer survivor, a cancer patient, an HIV sufferer, an animal lover...but most of all....just me. This is a look at who I am..outside of my kids dad, and my doctors patient."
And I read it again. "A look at life through my eyes. A single father, a cancer survivor, a cancer patient, an HIV sufferer, an animal lover...but most of all....just me. This is a look at who I am..outside of my kids dad, and my doctors patient."
And again.

And then I told him something I was so afraid to tell him: I care about you so much that I will stand by your side through everything that comes your, our, way.

The previous couple weeks were so beautiful as we laughed together over the phone, as I sang him to sleep because he was crying and not having good nights, and as we made plans of what we would do together, and with the kids, once they got here. He let me into his life, and told me things about him and his kids that just made me feel special knowing them. Garrit is deaf. (Good thing I took some sign language classes in college, right?) They love teddy bears. They will love crawling all over me and using me as a jungle-gym and just playing with me. They love chocolate. And Ms. Elsie! He posted a blog about her, just pictures of her tiny fingers, her beautiful, innocent eyes and nose. The though of just being able to hold her made me feel so happy, so much more responsible than I've probably felt holding my own niece and nephew. Maybe it's because I'd hoped to be something of a father for her some day. I really, really hoped. I went bought some teddy bears from Build-A-Bear for him and the kids. A pink and a blue matching teddies for the twins, a nice soft teddy for Ms. Elsie, and a little puppy dog that barks and wags its tail when you pat its head for Justin. They all need a "Welcome to Colorado" gift for when they get here.

October 29, 2007: His phone was out of minutes. No money left on the phone, and, according to him, his wallet was stolen that day, too, and since his credit cards were thus frozen, they couldn't deduct the automatic payment. Because I love him, what do I do? I call his cell phone company and put $25 onto his phone. Just before I called them, however, I texted him (he's got unlimited texts) and said that him asking me to put money onto his phone kind of made me feel like we were married. He wrote back and said he was going to talk to me about being exclusive. After a moment of hesitation, asking, "I thought you wanted to wait till you got here and see where things go, first," he insisted on asking me to be his boyfriend. Of course, I accepted this invitation, knowing that I love him so much already. So I called his phone company and added $25 to his account. He'd only asked me to put $15 on, but I figured, since we talk so much, he might as well have a bit more on there. What does he text me back? "Baby! You didn't have to put that much on!" I explain that I know how he likes to go over and that I gotta keep him covered, and that he just owes me a really nice dinner. He said he'd already had plans, along the lines of, "We are first going for an early romantic dinner at Fresco [Pesce Fresco?], then spending the night at the Brown Palace Hotel and spa for facials and relaxing massages and then a night of cuddling, wine, and love." And that's only the half of it, he says. What I did to deserve someone as good as him, I will never know.

After that conversation, I felt like I owned the moon and the stars in the sky that night. My dream of happiness, of love, of having a family, was starting to come true. It was like all the shit I had trekked through, every terrible "love" experience I'd endured had finally paid off and Karma was starting to work out for me. I knew, deep in my heart, that I'd never had anyone in my life as sweet as Justin, and I never wanted anybody else again. Love was finally coming my way.

Sunday, November 4, 2007: Justin was supposed to move to Denver today. I was supposed to pick him and the kids up from the airport around 10:30 PM. But, I got a phone call around 3 PM saying that they were in the hospital because Isabelle had an allergic reaction to peanuts on the plane. At 3 PM? Why were they on the plane so early? Was there something he's not telling me? Why would they be on the plane so early? It didn't make sense. The next few days were insane. He told me they were going to be flying out on Monday, then, instead. So I spend the whole day freaking out because, as far as I know, I'm supposed to pick him up at the airport, but I have absolutely no details about what's going on. After work that day, I came home and e-mailed a couple of his friends online, and attempted to call his sister (from a number he'd called me from before). While he didn't like that at all, my intentions were good: I was only trying to find out what was going on. The following three days were torture. I hadn't heard from him at all, until Wednesday night. I finally got the call: Isabelle's out of the hospital and we're flying out tomorrow.

Thursday, November 8, 2007: Again, I spend the whole day in anticipation. Trying to track which flight he's on online, I anxiously wait for him to call me and tell me he's in town. I call, and call, and call, only to get sent to voicemail over and over. When I finally get through to him around maybe 3 PM that afternoon, he says he's on a layover in Dallas. He'll be here around 7. Okay. No biggie. So I went to my friend's pool league that night, so that I'd be closer to Denver when he got in. And did he call? Yeah, not so much. 7:30 PM, still not ansering his phone. When I called him around 8 PM, he said he's in town and that he's in bed because he didn't feel too good, said he'd call me in the morning. Did I get that call? No. All day Friday, no calls, nor were mine answered. Only come to find out he's in the hospital. Okay, great. Now what am I to do? The man I love is in the hospital, and he won't let me come and see him. He says visitors make him depressed.

The next weeks turn into nightmares. My phone calls are hardly ever answered or returned, and I rarely get a call from him. And if I do get a call, it lasts only a minute or so before he has to go because he's going to be sick again. I get calls or texts saying, "I'm getting out of the hospital tomorrow," but then when I try to call him, he'll still be in. This goes on, hell, still is going on, and I only get more frustrated as the days continue. I get more lonely, more depressed, more upset and hurt and let down with every passing day.

November 12, 2007: So, I messed up again. I IM'd a friend of his online that afternoon, trying to figure out where he was, what was going on. And while the conversation was wholly friendly, I was just trying to find out if he was okay. I hadn't heard from him in so long, I was worried and hoped that he was okay. When he found out, he got angry. He kept texting me, very upset, because I'd only done it a week ago, and that hurt him. I tried offering to put money on his phone so that we could actually talk it through, and kept saying no. I left pool early that night, didn't play at all, and got online. His best friend, Braiden, IM'd me. After a long conversation about how much the events of the evening hurt me, Braiden started to shed some light on what was going on. He told me why he doesn't like visitors in the hospital. He told me why Justin was upset (as if I didn't know before). And he told me that Justin is a very private person and probably didn't want his friends to know he was in the hospital. And after thorough explanation, Braiden started to understand where I was coming from, too. In the conversation, Braiden gave me the link to Justin's phone company online so that I could try to put money on his phone so we could talk it through. I can't figure out how to put just the $25 on, so I end up paying the whole bill: a total of close to $100. I finally get through to him and I explain to him what I was thinking. Trying to rationalize with him was difficult, but we finally both understood where the other was coming from. It was a hard night, but that's what it took to get us over the hump.

Monday, November 19, 2007: Braiden called me tonight. He said Justin got in a bad car accident Saturday night before; finally got out of the hospital and had a siezure. Back in the hospital. But why didn't he call me to say he got out? I guess I'll just have to sit tight.

Thursday, November 22, 2007, Thanksgiving: I tried to call him. I tried to wish him a happy thanksgiving. I tried to tell him I love him. Calls weren't answered. Nor returned. Again.

Sunday, November 25, 2007: When I talked to him last, maybe the Tuesday prior to this, he said that if he wasn't out of the hospital by his birthday he'd let me come see him. So what do I do first thing when I wake up? I called him to wish him a very happy birthday. But did he answer? Nope. Did he return my voicemail? Again, no. I called, and called, and called, and eventually his phone was turned off. What a day. The one man I truly love more than anything ignores my calls all day, on his birthday, and won't even let me give him my birthday wishes. Of course.

Monday, December 10, 2007: I get a text around 7:30 AM saying that he needs money put onto his phone so he can call his doctor because he's getting out of the hospital and needs his doctor to sign the papers. So I get online and put $25 onto his phone. He calls me back a bit later; "Are you excited to finally get to see me." The thought running through my mind: Well maybe I'll believe it when I actually see it; you've been making promises, promises and not holding up. Who knows it it'll actually happen?

Thursday, December 13, 2007: I talked to him for a bit online tonight. Seems like he's getting worse. When he called me a bit later, crying, I begged him to let me come see him. I need to be with him. I need to know that he's okay. I need to see him, and hug him, and comfort him. I need him to know I'm here for him. He said he'd let me come see him the next day. So that Friday, I work through lunch to get off work at 3 PM so that I can get down to the hospital to see him. 230 PM, I called him, and got sent to voicemail. 3 PM, same thing. I stopped for gas at the station across the street from work, and called him again after I was done filling up, same thing. I know you're at St. Luke's, but how am I supposed to find you if you won't answer your phone. Upset, I just went home and tried to forget about the pain.

Friday night, I went over to a friend's house. Late in the evening, I had a little sit-down with an amazing woman. I've only known her for about a year, and even then I've only actually talked with her maybe three or four times. Needless to say, she doesn't know me very well at all. But we sat down, and she started to read my soul. She saw the pain in my heart, and she knew about the family that had just come into my life recently. She knew about the kids, and she knew how much I loved them. She said I'm destined to be with those kids, and to show them such an immense love. She said I'm the kindest person on the planet. She said I'm sincere, and honest, and truthful, and caring. She said that's my biggest downfall because people like me only live to get hurt. And the entire time she was talkinb about this family to recently enter my life, all I could think about was this cute little family of four - Justin, Elsie, Isabelle, and Garrit. And I cried. I cried, and I cried, and I cried some more every time she told me that the love those kids will show me is greater than any love in the world. She said some things about my home life (like, "It's cold where you sleep," and, "Those you live with can't understand you," and quite a few other things), and everything she said was right on the bulls-eye. It's like she knew me, without me having to tell her anything. It's like she had a power to know, absorb, and to heal. Her hugs - there were many throughout this conversation - comforted me exactly how I needed to be comforted right then. She knew how to help me.

Saturday, December 15, 2007: I called him this morning, just to see if he'd answer, and he did. As I was about ready to play a Rascal Flatts song through to his voicemail ("What hurts the most / Was being so close / And having so much to say / And watching you walk away / And never knowing / What could have been..."), he answered. Upset, I ask when I can see him. He says today, tells me he's at St. Lukes, and registered under Justin Montgomery. At the time I didn't think anything of it (I'll come back to this later), but I told him that I was on my way out the door to pick up my mom's Christmas gift from the warehouse, and that I'd be headed over in about two hours. So I get home from that, and head down to St. Luke's. Get all the way down there, to the admissions desk, and the lady there tells me there's nobody registered there under Justin Montgomery. Nothing for Justin Hart, or Justin Robinson either. Okay, strange. Let's see if I can call him. I probably called him nearly 30 times, to no avail. Ring, ring, ring, ring, voicemail. Each time. I even tried from her cell phone (thank you for letting me try), just in case he was just ignoring my number. That even went to voicemail. I sat around that lobby for an hour and a half trying to call him, text him, desperately trying to find him. Anything? Nothing. I left, with one question unanswered in my mind: Why are you registered with Nathan Montgomery's last name?

I came home, got online, and shortly after I see him get online. I ask him why his name isn't registered at St. Luke's. No asnwer. I ask him why he didn't anwer his phone, he says he was sleeping. But really, near 30 calls should bloody wake you up! You were expecting me to come see you that day! You should have been ready for me! I tell him that I needed to talk to him about the conversation I had the night before, and he said he'd call me. So, he finally calls me, five minutes or so later, and I tell him about what I was told, how she knew me, and how I am destined to take care of those kids. He says, "awe," and then I proceed to tell him about how I've been so confused and frustrated lately. Waiting for a response in silence, he says he's gonna be sick again and that he'll call me back in a bit.

That brings up right up to the present. Will he call back? What will happen? Who knows?

All I know is that I'm tired of being played. Is this all a game? I'm getting out. Wait, no, no I'm not. I'm getting out today. No, no I'm not. What's going on? I don't know.

I have done nothing but care, and love, and GIVE. $150 I gave to his phone, so we could talk like we used to, so we could talk and make more happy times. The teddy bears. The tears I cried for him and his pain. I've given him my all, my everything. I have done nothing but care, and worry, and care some more. I worry about what those kids are feeling, not being able to see their daddy. I worry about him, his health, his life. And I care so much about him and those kids that not being able to see them just makes me feel like someone is stabbing a knife into my heart, turning, and trying to suck it out through a straw. I've shown him so much that I care, wholeheartedly, and unconditionally, and what have I gotten in return? Way too much disrespect and games. The Temptations' song comes to mind: "Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby, just to let me down." He needs to give me a little bit of consideration. Aren't I supposed to be his boyfriend? (Because until he says otherwise, I still believe it.)

I just want a return of the love I give.

The gardener.

Gardening is a talent, for sure. It takes time and patience. It requires tenderness and nurturing. To grow a garden takes love and care.

And what's it all for? The one little flower, to which the gardener gives all his hope, for which he works so hard. Its beautiful colors bring the gardener peace, tranquility and love. The love brought to the gardener by his creation is that for which he has yearned while growing this fragile little masterpiece.

And in the time one spends growing a garden, one must pull weeds and fight out bugs that can destroy the garden as fast as that garden was grown, if not faster. These bugs get in and eat at the beauty created.

And sometimes that flower wilts. Without constant care, its petals may lapse, its life droops and sags. Even the tiniest bit of neglect may cause the flower to whittle away; the slightest ignorance can drain that flower of the very beauty the gardner has striven so hard to create and bring to life.

And sometimes the gardener builds a picket fence around the garden to prevent larger pests from ravaging the garden. The fence, his protective barrier, keeping out the tortures that eat at his creation, the terrors that bring the beautiful flower to its death. This wall, though not very strong, is a symbol of strength and willpower, that the gardener will keep trying and will do everything in his power to keep his creation from failing, from dying, from being eaten and tortured. The gardener's creation, his passion, is the one thing he will do everything to keep, to hold, to cherish and love and nurture.

The gardener will keep the flower near to his heart.

My astro sign... or something like that.

2. TAURUS - The Devil
(the Bull - 20 April - 20 May)
* Aggressive.
* Loves being in long relationships.
* Likes to give a good fight for what they want.
* Extremely outgoing.
* Loves to help people in times of need.
* GOOD kisser.
* GOOD personality.
* Stubborn but a caring person.
* One of a kind.
* Not one to mess with.
* Usually are the most attractive people.



So this was part of a bulletin a friend posted on MySpace. And how true is the above depiction of yours truly? Almost dead on! I love being in long relationships... and when I want him, I fight for him, and make sure he knows he probably can't live without me. And I love helping people in times of need; shit, that's what I do best!! And I AM stubborn, but very, very caring. And I'm most certainly one of a kind. DUH! Nobody can replicate this awesomeness! And you better not mess with me, coz I got a whole gang lined up to kick ass if I get hurt! And I sure as shit am the hottest thing ever! DUH!

So it's just so perfect!

That's all for now.
Luv ya bye bye

Dear Justin,

My love, my life. Without you my life was empty and void of all emotion and direction. You have brought the sun back to my sky and given me a reason to improve. Since I met you, I've been happier, I've excelled at everyday tasks, and I've felt like I have a reason to keep going.

I look forward to meeting you, kissing you, cuddling. Holding your hand -- just the thought -- makes me so giddy that I can't even breathe at times. Spending time with you fills my thoughts all day long. I can't hardly wait to make exquisite memories with you about our life together.

But most of all I look forward to spending time together with the kids -- playing with them, being a role model for them... maybe even a father figure for them. I love them so much already, and I can't wait to make them a part of my life just as much as you are.

My love, you make me feel so good about myself. You call me sexy and make me feel like a million dollars. I love you so much that I can't even picture life without you.

You are my every line, my every word, my everything.

Love, forever and ever,
~Curtis

The best conversation ever.

The following contains excerpts from a conversation which took place over text messaging between Justin and I, Monday, October 29, 2007.

His phone dies. He lost his wallet, and when they [the phone company] tried to debit his bill, since his credit cards were frozen, they shut off his phone. He asks me (via text) for $15 to put on his phone for him so he can get it turned back on.
I tell him: "This kinda makes me feel like we're married."
Justin: "Well, I was gunna talk to you about being exclusive."
Me: "Okay? Um... I don't know what to say..."
Justin: "Well do you want to?"
Me: "You know I'd love to, but I thought you wanted to go slow and wait to see when you get here."
Justin: "Do you wanna be my boyfriend."
Me: "Yes. Wholeheartedly."

So I call his phone company and put $25 onto his account. He texts me:
"Baby! You didn't have to put that much on!"
Me: "I just gotta cover you... You like going over too much. You just owe me a hella nice date."
Justin: "Ooooh don't worry, I have big plans."
Me: "I'll tell you what your present is if you tell me..." (I got him and the kids some presents for when they get here.)
Justin: "I'll tell you half."
Me: "So you get half... Es un perro. But it does something totally cute."
Justin: "We are first going for an early romantic dinner at Fresc0 [Pesce Fresco], then spending the night at the Brown Palace Hotel and spa for facials and relaxing massages and then a night of cuddling, wine, and love."
Me: "What did I do to deserve you?!"
Justin: "LOL baby, that's only half of it. You have no idea. You need to schedule a whole weekend for me."

I love surprises.
But I still don't know what I did to deserve this.

What a day.

i don't know what to write. i'll do this later.

A Mi Querida Justin

I call you beautiful because of your heart of gold, your soul more angelic than the cherubs in heaven, and your face even DaVinci could never replicate.

You make me feel appreciated...
You make me feel special...
...like I'm worth something...
...like I'm worthy of something...
...like I'm deserving...
...like I'm attractive, and loved, and cared about...
...like I'm wanted.

I'm falling for you.
I'm falling fast.
And I don't know how to stop.
I want this to be real.

I want winter walks in the park; warm hats, gloves, scarves. Holding your hand as the snow falls around gently around us. Smiling and laughing at the kids playing in the snow.

I want a nice dinner, dressed up in coats and ties. Just the two of us. A song comes on and we take a slow dance on the floor. People stare as I kiss you gently, forehead to forehead, my arms wrapped around you.

I don't care what they say.
You're every line, you're every word.
You're my everything.

I deserve happiness, too.

So I haven’t written in a while, and I figured I’d use my sick day off to give an update. A lot has been going on lately. Well, not really, but there is a lot with a certain someone.

Let’s look back a bit:

October 4, 2007
I started talking to this guy named Justin online. I had known his ex-boyfriend, Nathan, and saw him online, so I figured I’d make a new friend. After several hours of talking, I realized that I had met one of the world’s most rare men ever.
He’s an architect.
A father of three beautiful children.
A cancer survivor.

This man has more conviction in one moment, one memory. His heart is made of gold, his soul is as pure as an angel.

He’s funny.
He’s original.
He’s unique and different and genuine.

When I volunteered to babysit for him while he’s out on his hot dates, he then asked me if I was going to be his hot date; I asked if he was asking me out, and he said, “maybe.” Next, he genuinely expressed concern for my health when he found out I was a smoker. I have since quit smoking.

Fast forward about a week and a half.
I’m falling.
Again.
We all know how badly situations like this turn out.
I’m going to get my heart crushed. It’s soon going to be ripped from my chest, stomped on, and thrown into the blender.

This afternoon, we were talking. He said that he’s not sure that I even want to date him. When I asked him about it, he said he has issues, baggage.

Duh. Who doesn’t?

I told him that I am willing and ready to accept him for him, every little thing, every piece of baggage. I told him that I understand he has problems, we all do. And I told him I’m here to stand by his side through thick and thin. I know I’m not financially independent yet, but I’m willing to be everything he and the kids need.





I guess the most important thing I’m feeling here is that it’s my turn. I’ve found an amazing guy, and I’d like to date him, I’d like to be part of his life. It’s my turn to be happy! Have I not sat patiently through crushing letdown after letdown? Have I not been alone for the past 23 years? Have I not endured enough pain in being hurt?

I’m the kind of guy who gives my all.
When I appreciate you, I appreciate you with my whole being.
When I care about you, I care with my whole soul.
When I love you, I love you with all my heart.

It’s my turn to find love. It’s my turn to have happiness. It’s my turn to smile, and make memories, and cuddle, and smile, and BE HAPPY!

IT’S MY TURN TO HAVE HAPPINESS!



This blog isn’t what I wanted it to be… I’m ending this.

My Promise To You.

i will love you forever. with or without the cancer. and i'm going to be by your side through the rest of the battle, from here on out. this i promise you. and by your side is right where i intend to stay.

Love Is.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
 Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
 Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
 Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.



William Shakespeare

Think.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; big men and small character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember to say, "I love you," to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love; give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Work Obcessed

Work Obsessed by Bucky D
Los Angeles, CA - What is our obsession with work? I hear people who brag about working 50, 60, 70, even 80 hours a week. They brag not because they're proud, they brag because they're trying to one-up someone else who is talking about a difficult job. We tie our identities into what we do for a living. We say things like, "I'm a technician" or, "I'm an accountant" or, "I'm a salesperson". Our definitions of who we are are what we do. When we meet a new person, we invariably ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" We are consumed by our jobs and our careers.
We put up with behaviors from our co-workers and superiors that we would never tolerate from friends and use the excuse, "Well, they pay my salary," to justify our subjugation, yet grumble every moment we have away from the workplace, engaging in the afore-mentioned "Oh, yeah, well where I work…" game with our friends and families. We view others who don't work as much as us with a certain level of disdain and those who don't work at all with a level of contempt on par with our contempt for thieves.
We carry our cell phones and on our time off are expected to take calls from work to discuss work. We receive emails from work on our time off and are expected to respond to those emails on our time off. We say, "Well, I'm a salaried employee so I guess they can expect this from me." We martyr ourselves to our jobs in the hopes that someone will recognize us for our unflagging devotion to our work, yet that recognition never comes. Still, we continue to sacrifice in the hopes that one day….
Taking time off for illness or recuperation is viewed as a weakness. If we become ill ourselves, we fear losing our jobs so we continue to work even at the risk of infecting others or worsening our own condition. When a family member is seriously ill or dying, we feel guilty for leaving work behind to be with them and return to our jobs 2 days after losing a loved one and are expected to do our jobs as if nothing has happened. No one wants to see or feel your grief at the risk of making them uncomfortable.
We expect stores to be open on holidays so if we forget an item, we can make that quick trip to the store. We seem to forget that someone will have to give up that holiday so we can buy the cranberry sauce we forgot. Why did we forget the cranberry sauce? We were so consumed with work we forgot to get it on the way home from work. We have no empathy for the employee working at the store on these holidays yet would be furious if asked to give up the same holiday for our boss.
We suffer from stresses, anxieties, rages, depressions and myriad other illnesses and conditions. We figure the best way to deal with this is to immerse ourselves in our work, never wondering if our obsession with overworking ourselves might be the cause.
Why don't we learn to relax a little?
Bucky is an author at The West Virginia Blogger.
Article Source: EzineArticles.com

Someone To Watch Over Me.

There's a saying old says that love is blind,
Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find."
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind.
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet;
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever think of with regret.
I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see,
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome.
To my heart he carries the key.
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed,
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone who'll watch over me.


See, Gershwin said so. Seek and ye shall find. And he meant it regarding love. I have to look for it to find it. So that's what I'm doing, mmkay? Mmkay!

Do It And I'll Fuckin' Spank You.

Let me get this straight. You don’t believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass. That poem, “The Walrus and the Carpenter,” that’s an indictment of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter’s son, he represents the Western religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them, and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don’t know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one’s inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, “Do it… do it and I’ll fuckin’ spank you!”

~*~*~

The above is a quote from the movie, Dogma. There's a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that it is just a work of comedy, not to be taken seriously. But, Loki's above argument is certainly believeable. I can say that I do believe his message. Organized religion has smacked everyone into line, forcing them to beleive, obey the rules, and live purely. I can truly say that organized religion has duped all humans worldwide into believing in some words written on paper by some bigotist, sexist, racist men from a couple thousand years ago. For all we know, those men could have just made up a pretty long story. Oh, and when they wrote the stories they'd been told for centuries, passed down from generation to generation, they were just writing down the stories as they remembered them. The funny thing about that: let's remember the "telephone" game from elementary school. One person retells a story and it gets twisted and turned in all sorts of ways. Who can believe anything they remember their parents telling them. Does my point here make sense? Maybe I'll finish this rambling later. I can't think of anything else to write. But now you know a portion of my religious affiliation.

How To Heal, Part 1.

"I often meet people who aren't part of a church and don't want anything to do with God because of 'all those religious hypocrites.' Often they have great pain that they blame on 'the church.' But it is not possible for an institution, whether it's a church or a school or a business or even the government, to hurt somebody.

Institutions are made up of people.

People hurt people.

Somebody in this group hurt somebody in that group. Somebody at that school or in that office wronged somebody else. And they haven't done the work to apologize and make amends and work though it. When I meet someone who has been burned by an institution, my first question is, "What was the person's name?"

We'll never heal until we can identify who did what when. Only then can we begin the process of being set free."

From the book Sex God by Rob Bell. (I, the owner of this blog, haven't actually read the book. I took the quote from someone's profile page on another site.)



After reading that, I don't quite understand what I need to do. Obviously, I need to point out various figures who did hurt me in the past. Do I need to point out those who didn't? I can't even begin to list anybody who's ever hurt me, especially from any given and particular institution. I would certianly not do it on such a public forum, either. Maybe I need to just take some time and think about who has hurt me and how they've done so. Should I post it here and attempt to get help from those who care, or hide it from the world for solitary healing?

How do you start to heal?

Bogus And Empty.

What happens when I sit down to watch one of those sentimental, "boy meets girl" movies? I get sappy. I get emotional. I get... girly.

Those chick flicks, as they've been deemed, are giving every girl who watches them a false sense of reality. Love doesn't ever happen that way. As much as we want it to, it just can't. Regarless of which chick flick you're watching, here's the plot: boy meets girl, they fall for each other, boy fucks, girl gets angry, separation, boy begs for forgiveness, girl realizes she loves him, girl takes him back, happily ever after. LOVE NEVER HAPPENS THIS WAY!

However, every woman in America hopes and hopes to find the knight in shining armor and for their scenario to pan out exactly like that. Every girl is sadly mistaken. It won't ever happen that way. Sorry girls. No matter how much of a hopeless romantic you are, it just won't happen.

I recently wrote a very heart-felt, endearing letter to a friend of mine, a man I truly love with all my heart, soul, body. As much as I'd like to think hopeless romantic acts such as writing love letters might help the boy to realize just how much he loves me, it just won't happen. The harsh reality is that he sees me only as a friend. I'm glad I can still call him my best friend, because I would be completely lost and abandoned without him. But love letters don't cut it.

So let's talk about my other caring side. I met this guy a couple weeks ago. We've talked quite a bit on the phone. He seems really nice. Thursday I asked him if he wanted to go out for his birthday. He said he'd call back. Didn't. We did, however, already have plans for me to take him out Friday night. When he said he would call me back after he was out of class, do you think he did? Nope. Later in the evening he texts saying he's got some other plans, but he might stop by the bar I, then, go to a bit later. Whavever. Does he come by? No. He goes downtown, to JR's. When I leave the bar I'm at, I call him. He's drunk and wants someone to come hang out with him. And if you know me well enough at all, you'll know that I go down and pick him up. As soon as I walk in the door, he starts flirting with every other guy in the place, knowing full well that I like him. What the fuck?! So he wants to go to this other bar, Charlie's. So what do I let him do? I let him lead me around, where he tries to hit on some guys there, albeit without luck. He's tired, so I take him home.

Now, Saturday night. I'm hanging out with another friend, and once her boyfriend came home, I split to leave them alone. Going downtown again, what scene do I run in to? He's again hitting on every guy there. He meets up with a guy he met online, who happens to turn out to be a creep and a nerd, so this guy begs me to help get rid of him. I do my friendly duty to help out, and problem solved. Then, we stroll down to Charlie's again, where, on our way, he gets very flirty and touchy-feely. I like it, and I start to open up a little bit more, becoming comfortable once again. Becoming happy once again. And then, we get to Charlie's, and what do you think happens? He starts flirting with every other guy there, ignoring me, wandering off, leaving me alone. And if you know me well enough, leaving me alone in a place I'm unfamiliar in, I'm gonna start to freak out. Both Friday and Saturday nights, he always asked me how I was feeling, if I was okay. I always said yes. I was disturbingly amused at watching him dance in circles from guy to guy at the bar. Well, at Charlie's, he says he's going to the bathroom. I told him I'd be right where I was, and about 15 minutes later, I see him walk out the front door. I try calling him to see where he's going; no answer. So I chase him down, and what happens? I thought you left me. Nope. I was right where you left me. I tell him I'm not feeling well and that I want to go home. He asked to go to the bathroom once more, so I let him. I sit outside for about 20 minutes, smoke a couple of cigarettes, and get frustrated, again. So I go inside, and what do I see? He's standing there making out with some complete stranger he just met at the bar.

So now I'm upset, hurt, pissed, angry, hurt some more, and just overall frustrated. I text him, telling him to fuck off and that I'm leaving without him. He calls me about 10 minutes after I'd left asking what the problem was. I tell him, he pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about. And I explain to him why his actions of the past few nights hurt me so damn much.

I tell him, "Every guy I have ever liked, every guy I have ever shown any kind of interest in, every guy I have ever met has let me down brutally on nights such as this. Every guy has treated me with such disrespect that, when a new guy does come along to give me the time of day, I get very excited and hopeful that this one will be different." I told him, "I met you, and you were genuine. You opened up to me, and you let me open up to you. And I thought you would be different. I thought I had a chance. I thought I could finally have found a guy who'll give me the chance I deserve, the respect I need, the love I yearn for."

He said he knew that I liked him and that, because he was new to town, he just needs to time to adjust, to meet new friends, new people. Experience new things. I told him that's understandable, but he needs to have more respect for the person who graciously offers to go all the way downtown to pick up his drunk ass and take him home so he doesn't have to spend more money on a cab.

All in all, chick flicks are bogus. Hopeless romantics and their methods (ie. love letters) are empty. And men are fucking assholes.

Set Fire To The Third Bar.

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

The List.

1. I feel my father never loved me because I never played sports.
2. I have contemplated suicide often since elementary school.
3. I'm falling for you. Please don't mess it up.
4. The nights I sleep the best I dream about you.
5. I try to be content, but the truth is… life would be so much easier if I were pretty.
6. I need to change.
7. I love you so much but I can't tell you.
8. I need to get out of this town.
9. I wish I could just walk away. Forever.
10. Sometimes I want to die in a trajic car accident so I won't have to be in love with you anymore.
11. You're the first person I've ever been able to truly trust, and yet you don't even know how much you hurt me.
12. I pray for you every night.
13. I hate every part of my body, except my hands.
14. Every day I type you little text messages. I tell you I love you, I miss you. Have a wonderful day. Please be careful. But I don't send them. I know I'm not supposed to. But I hope that, somehow, you know.
15. I make everyone believe I'm different only because I don't know how to fit in.
16. Almost everything I do is motivated by the desire to be popular.
17. He never gave me a chance.
18. I masturbate to feel good, and I hate myself for that.
19. Sometimes I wish I was born a woman.
20. I have this fear that I'll never passionately kiss a man I love in my lifetime.
21. I know where I am, but I'm lost.
22. My biggest fear is that I will never find a true love.
23. What hurts more than losing you is knowng you're not fighting to keep me.
24. You're way too good for me.
25. I wish my parents could see me for what I am… instead of what I didn't become.
26. I will never be sexy enough.
27. I wish I could get a period so I could have an excuse to be bitchy.
28. I met you one night and I fell in love with you… I was too afraid to tell you and you'll never know exactly how much.
29. I believe that one day I will like myself.
30. I wish my dad said I love you. I can't remember him saying it ever.
31. I'm 23 and I've never been kissed. It's not that I don't want to. It's that no one else does.
32. LOVING YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
33. All of my life, people have told me I'm not special, that I'm easy to replace. I'm starting to believe them.
34. I am a peaceful person who happens to be filled with violent rage.
35. If I had a million dollars, I would give it all away for one more night with you.
36. I FUCKING HATE basketball.
37. I fear that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life… and I don't want to have to settle in order not to be.
38. I don't know if it will last, but right now, he makes me feel like I can do anything I've ever dreamt of doing.
39. I am homeless and nobody even knows.
40. I don't know what I want but I don't want this.
41. When I'm all alone, I see myself as beautiful. It's when I'm around others that I feel so ugly and flawed.
42. I know you really don't like me. You can stop acting now.
43. I want to be in love, but I'm afraid it won't solve all my problems like I want it to.
44. I don't work out because I see no instant gratification.
45. I fall quickly for guys because I hope each one will be different from the others in that they'll give me a chance.
46. My heart has been broken so many times that the pieces shattered are probably smaller than sand now.
47. I was once "engaged" to a man whom I'd never met who lived 1000 miles away just to make myself feel better about myself.
48. I love myself.
49. I don't know what it means to love myself.
50. I always feel like I have to have the one perfect line that will take away a person's fears, sadness, anger, discontentment, like my one line will cure everything.

You Are My Silver Springs.

You could be my silver springs
Blue green colors flashin
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing

And can you tell me was it worth it

Time casts a spell on you, but you wont forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
Ill follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you
Youll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

You could be my silver springs
My blue green colors flashin

(this is about someone. my girls know who i'm talking about. i hope you do too.)

Are You Man Enough?

men are idiots. here's why:

so last night i told a certain someone how i truly felt about him. i was shy and scared. he could tell i was giddy as well. but he told me to spit it out. i told him that i didn't want to happen what had happened last time (for those of you who may not know, he ran away and hid because he was scared). i told him that i like him and that i just don't want to lose him again.

then came the scary part. he said he knew that i liked him (it's a little obvious, i guess). but then he said he doesn't like me romantically like i like him. of course. of fucking course. he said he just wants to be friends. i guess right now i can only hope that we become good enough friends that something might come along later.

but i feel crushed. hurt. lonely. above all, lonely. it's the worst feeling in the world. i feel like i'm doing something right, that i'm not setting myself up again, but i am. yes, this feels very right, but i am setting myself up for heartbreak again. i do this every time. every bloody time. why? who knows? i'm tired of being alone. 23 years of lonliness starts to get to you. not like this is incredibly important, but there comes a point when your hand just doesn't cut it anymore. more importantly, however, is the fact that the time has come when, sitting alone, single, at a bar surrounded by couples, or watching friends enjoy relationships and brag about them, has become deadly sickening and terribly frustrating. i want to take a special someone out on dates. i want to cuddle and watch a movie. i want to hold his hand, hug him, and make him feel as special and he'll make me feel. the time has come for me to no longer be lonely, abandoned, hurt, or forgotten about. the time has come for me to no longer be single. it's time for somebody to make me feel appreciated and loved beyond a friendship.

who is man enough to take on this responsibility, this daunting task?

who is man enough to me a real man?

If I Could Just Be With You Now.

All my life I've looked for angels
All this time I've searched for signs
Now I've turned a corner
You're standing before me
You're not what I thought I might find

I've never been shaken
Never been confused
Always protected all my affections
Only directions I choose

All my intentions and all my best plans
Now come to rest in your hands

If I could fly
If I could soar
If I could rise up to heaven
Unlock that door
I might finally stop
This world spinin' 'round
I would just to be with you now

I've never been shaken
I've never been confused
Always protected all my affections
And lonly directions I choose

All my intentions and all my best plans
Now come to rest in your hands

If I could find the key
Into your heart
And unlock that door
I might finally stop
All the spinning around
If I could just be with you now

Always believed I was solidly grounded
All my assumptions come tumbling down

IF I COULD FIND THE KEY
INTO YOUR HEART
UNLOCK THAT DOOR
I MIGHT FINALLY STOP
ALL THIS SPINNING AROUND

IF I COULD JUST BE WITH YOU NOW

Perfection.

per – fec – tion

-noun

1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

2. the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art.

3. a perfect embodiment or example of something.

4. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence.

5. the highest or most nearly perfect degree of a quality or trait.

6. the act or fact of perfecting.

What is perfection? You see the Webster's dictionary definition above. But what does it mean? There can be various forms of perfection. Physical, emotional, mental, work-related, school-related, in driving, in caring, in being a friend. I'd like to think that personal perfection (that which relates to personaltiy) is of the utmost important. I'd like to think of myself as having a perfect personality. Yeah, I may be shy and somewhat closed-off at times, but when it comes to the "quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence," I like to think of myself as having the most perfect, undying love for my friends, family, and others around me. I care for them, I'm there for them. Always. I'm always telling my friends that I'm there when they need them, whether its two in the morning or two in the afternoon. I don't abandon those I care about. I give them chance after chance after chance, because I firmly believe that nobody deserves to be abandoned or forgotten about.

Now here's the thing that really worries me: I'm turning 23 soon. And it's not that number that's freaking me out. It's the fact that I really don't want to go out to another dinner with my family or friends. What I truly want is a real date, a nice guy to take me out to a decent dinner and maybe a movie. Twenty-three years without a single date really is starting to get on my nerves. Is it too much to ask for a guy to appreciate me for my warm, loving, caring personality? Is it too much to ask for a guy to give me a chance? I have plenty of guy friends for whom I've been there, night and day, and for whom I've given console, and whom I've helped through some of the most frightening boy-drama. And do you think that any of them would actually see that I'm actually a caring, genuine person on the inside and possibly consider giving me a chance (because we all know that I would never dream of hurting anybody, let alone a friend)? No! Do you think it even crosses their minds that I might be the perfect man for them, because of my perfect heart, my perfect personality? Nope!

I had a friend tell me last night that I need to quit trying so much. I've tried that millions of times in the past. And then I come across a really great guy (there are three or four of them right now) who I would actually like to get to know more and see where things go. So I ask them out to coffee or something less date-like. Something harmless, really. And what do I get? "I'm not ready for a relationship," or, "I don't want to ruin our friendship." Was I asking for a relationship? I don't think so. I was asking if you wanted to get some coffee, hang out, get to know each other more than just a phone or IM conversation. Jesus Christ, guys! Give me a fucking chance! It's not like I'm some freaky child molester or anything. I'm just interested in getting to know you. I've also been told to go see a movie because it has a good message about not trying so hard and yadda yadda yadda. Get this: it's a movie! Aren't we taught that movies aren't real? Alien? Independence Day? Children of the Corn? It doesn't happen in real life. Chick flicks? Yeah, don't happen in real life either. It never happens that way! Especially for gay guys! So let up on that argument. It's failed the scientific method many times over.

Who Are You To Tell Me?

Who are you to tell me that love will come? Who are you to tell me that I haven't looked in the right places? I've sat back, I've lived my life, and I've just waited. And waited. And waited. Who are you to tell me it will happen when you haven't even given me a chance? You never gave me a second thought. "Be friends first and let things build from there." I do. But then what do I get? "We're too good of friends," or, "I don't want to ruin our friendship." But the thing is, if we're friends, we should know that nothing can come in the way of our friendship and that we could survive anything. We can handle it. We've gone through shit before, we can go through shit again. Obviously your weaknesses, whatever they may be, hinder your ability to be loved and cared for.

Who are you to flirt with me? Who are you to lead me on? It's been mentioned that you might be different, that you're not a normal guy. I think you have questioning thoughts but that you're unable or unwilling to admit or experiment those. And that's okay. Everybody takes time. But please, if you're going to flirt, be prepared for me to go as far as I can, because if you don't say stop, I won't. And you don't. So I don't. Let me into your life. Let me be the one to love and care for you.

Who are you to not give me a chance? Your exes have been nasty and rude, and they have lied to you. And what do I tell you? That you deserve more, you deserve better; you deserve honesty, sincerity, tenderness, trust, and love. But when I say that, do you see me as the one to give it to you? Apparantly not. Yet I adore you, and if I'm telling you that you deserve true happiness and all those other things, then I'm probably the one who might just treat you pretty damn well. But does that ever occur to you? I doubt it.

So, in the words of one miss Meredith Grey: "It's simple, [him] or me, and I'm sure [he's] really great. But... I [can] love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

Pastel-Colored Eggs.

It that time of year again. The time when little bunnies hop around and baby chicks pop out pastel-colored eggs. The little baby Jesus is all grown up. He died, and he's coming back from the dead. That happens this weekend. People worldwide will cry tears of joy of their savior. And then there are people like me who really hate this time of year. It's not the religious that bothers me, but more the commercialization of it. Luckily, Easter isn't as big of a nightmare as Christmas. Yet.

But what really gets me is the whole aura of love that seems to go along with this season. I was driving in to work today and something hit me. It was this big, grandiose thought. I was listening to my new Mika CD and a few of the songs seem to have a common theme: love is so often lost, wasted, or thrown away. Take for example the following lyrics from some of his songs:
1~ About a break-up: " 'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again. This is not about emotion, I don't need a reason not to care what you say, Or what happened in the end. This is my interpretation, And it don't, don't make sense."
2~ About abandonment and lonliness: " I sit and think about the day that you're gonna die, 'Cause your wrinkled eyes betrayed the joy with which you smiled.... Is there anybody home? Who will believe me, won't deceive me, who'll try to teach me? Is there anybody home? Who wants to have me, just to love me?" (Note this last line: who wants to have me just to love me? Perfect.)
3~ About break-up: " This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending. This is the way that we love, Like it's forever. Then live the rest of our life, But not together."
4~ About the requirement of perfection: " Gotta be everything more. Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?"
5~ The truth about love: "Love's gonna get you down."

All of these are perfect examples that love is lost all too easily these days. The divorce rate continues to skyrocket. We have shows like Jerry Springer, Divorce Court, and others where couples and ex-couples go to duke it out (whether legally or not). The biggest complaint I hear about people, gay boys, in particular, is that there is way too much drama surrounding them. Nasty break-ups often trigger he-said-she-said bullshit, which leads to nastier comments, et cetera, et cetera. The lesson to be learned: let us all learn to find love, and to be happy in love, and if it doesn't work out, just move on. We don't need to over-dramatize our lives with an ex's comments and doings, but what we must all do is to take a relationship as a learning experience: you found things that you don't particularly like, maybe you saw some things in yourself that you didn't about,
and hopefully you learned, you grew, and you stood taller because of it.

Please, for the sake of humanity, let's learn to love one another. We don't need to fight. We don't need drama. We don't need all the bullshit that goes around. Obviously love is a problem. If you can't be with the person you're with any longer, make it a nice, quiet break-up, and leave all the personal details between the two of you instead of spreading nasty rumors around town. Is that too much to ask?

How I managed to go from pastel-colored Easter eggs to the should-be rules of dating, I have no clue. But at least I told you some of my thoughts.

I Can't Take My Own Advise.

patience, my child. for it is a virtue to wait, and the wait is the best part. let the excitement consume you, and transfer it to your whole life, school, work, and it will balance itself out. for the wait will be well worth it when the time comes, and then you will be happy, and you will be loved, and it will be good.

i told a friend of mine that this morning. she was worried that she was rushing into things too fast with a boy-interest. and then i told her: "dammit, why can't i follow my own advise?!?!" i know that's what i should do, but for some reason, i can't seem to accept it. patience is a virtue. it's what we're told since we were kids. yet i'm in a hurry. a hurry to fall in love. a hurry to feel the emotion. a hurry to experience the whole thing. i don't know what to do. i've been told countless times that i don't want to be in a relationship, that relationships are hard work, that there's lots of hard times to deal with. but i'm willing to do that. it seems i face hard times pretty easily. i'm a compromiser. i work through things because i don't want things to go sour, to be ruined. so i'm ready for a relationship. i'm ready for the long hours, i'm ready for the committment, i'm ready for the compromise, i'm ready for the hard, the good, the bad, the ugly, the cheerful, the passion, the joy... all of it.

An Update.

So, since my last blog, I've actually quit that last job with Primerica. Basically it was life insurance sales, and definitely NOT for me! But I did meet three amazing people who will hopefully remain friends of mine for a while. I will admit that I stayed for the wrong reasons (my boss was totally hot), but at least I can admit that.

But I did get a new job. I'm now working for TransUnion Rental Screening Solutions. I'm only four days into it right now, and I'm learning a lot, but it all seems really easy once you get the hang of it. I'm glad I got this one, too! Everybody is so much fun: sarcastic senses of humor! I love it! :-D I don't think I could be any happier!

I got my EFC (Expected Family Contribution) back from the FAFSA people. Great news: my EFC is ZERO! That means I'm expected to pay nothing for grad school, and I get to be at the top of the list for federal aid! Rock on! OMG! So exciting!

So next on the list: last weekend in Greeley. I finally got back up to G-town for the first time since I moved away at the end of December. I went to the bar Friday night and got SO plowed! Five drinks for me, two beers for Heather, a Long-Island for Jon, and then 3 Jager-bombs (for me, Heather, and Blake), 2 minty-type shots (for me and Jon), and 2 german-chocolate-cake shots (also for me and Jon). Lets do the math: my tab held 8 drinks and 7 shots. And it all cost only $35! I love that bar! And then Saturday, Jenna and I went to get a pedicure and manicure (OMG amazing!), then to get our hair done (great new hair style!), and then off to Queer Prom! I got to see all my amazing friends and have a blast at the same time! For the second year in a row, I was voted Prom Queen (and Dani, again, was my King)! I was so ecstatic! Then, Sunday, I picked up C* and brought him back to Denver (since I was on my way), and it was good to see him and shoot the shit like we used to. It was good to see him again.
(*This name has been omitted for his security.)

Then, on Tuesday, after work, I got to see Isa, Ang, and Sara and we all went to the SNOW PATROL concert! One of the best concerts I've been to! Great music, and a great show, too! I didn't get back home till 1 in the morning, so Wednesday at work was hard, but it was so totally worth it!

Tomorrow after work I get to head back up to Greeley again. I'm judging junior exhibits for the National History Day regionals that UNC hosts each year. I'll get to see some great, up-and-coming historians. Cute lil' tykes. But this trip means something great: another night at the bar! I'm not gonna drink coz I have to be up early on Saturday, but I'll still have a great time!

So, now to talk about boys...

First, remember Mr. Thanksgiving Weekend? Well, him and I had e-mailed back and forth a couple of times, but nothing as extensive as it was when we first met. I texted him (drunk) Saturday night, he replied the next morning, I replied, he replied, I replied, and no reply back. I guess I'm still not good enough. His loss. Not mine, I guess.

Then, there's Mr. Texas. Amazing, funny, smart, sweet, and adorable. Too far away, sadly. I just gotta be careful to not fuck things up.

Then, another Mr. Texas. I've actually met this one. No matter how much I try, I can't seem to get him out of my mind or out of my heart. He owns it, it's his. He's dropped it. Not broken, but fragile nonetheless. I fear I'll never be able to have him. Hopefully someday, by time he moves back to Denver, I'll have dropped a few pounds and be hot enough for him to give me a second thought. So I'm actually feeling a bit teary right now... I'm not gonna cry.

I'll just move on. Mr. I-Drove-Him-Back-From-Greeley. Amazing, hilarious, comfortable, hot, attractive... oh, and straight. I'll never have him, but I can dream, can't I? Well, he mentioned sometimes he wished he were bi, and then a bit later he mentioned that experimentation is one very important thing in life. But when I casually want to go down on him, what does he say? I don't wanna try. No reciprocation required. But no! Oh well. At least I have a really amazing friend that I can talk to anything about. Perfect man, he is!

One more to add to the list: One Mr. New-Connexion-Friend. We started talking about books, and I recommended one to him, and our conversations just got better and better. He's cute, too. Don't wanna fuck things up, so I gotta be careful with this one. I asked this one to go out to coffee the other day. He's the first guy to actually say yes! Let's wish me less on this one, coz I have issues meeting guys... I'm so nervous!

There's another Connexion guy, let's call him Mr. Newer-Connexion-Guy. Just simple e-mails back and forth for now, hopefully we can keep talking, and talk more, and hopefully I have another great new friend. This guys cuter than the previous Mr. Connexion, so I'd like to date this one. Yes, I'll admit it. I would like to date him. But I am highly aware of the fact that I need to go VERY slow and be careful. No warning required.

Now, the last guy. Mr. Gorgeous-In-Greeley. I don't think I mentioned him above, but I got to see him at Queer Prom the other night. He's so sweet, kind, funny, and cute. And he calls me things like "sweetie" and "hun" and stuff. I know it's all playful, but he's just so fucking adorable when he does that! I really like him. I'm probably not his type. And he's too far away for anything to happen. I should stop babbling about him. He might think I'm insane.

So take a wild guess about what I want to do with some of these guys: honestly, I'm such a pervert; 16 months without the "touch" of another man. I'm going crazy. All I really want is to down his meat and be satisfied. Yeah, I know how many people are going to read this. I don't care. That's just how I am. Merry Thursday.

Sorry this was so long. If you really care, you read all this. If you don't, you gave up a long time ago. PS: Comments are disabled for this one. Send me a message if you have something to say.

I'm The Guy.

I'm the guy who will put his head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you.

I'm the guy who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant.

I'm the guy who says, "Ok, but you owe me," jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you.

I'm the guy you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you.

I'm the guy who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like, I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms.

I'm the guy who never forgets the all sweet little things you do for me.

I'm the guy who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have.

I'm the guy who, once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the guy who never forgets you.

I'm the guy who loves to end a hug with a kiss.

I'm the guy who you can talk to you about anything.

I'm the guy who laughs at your jokes.

I'm the guy who fights you just to play around.

I'm the guy who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one.

I'm the guy who will listen to you talk.

I'm the guy who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason.

I'm the guy who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.

I'm the guy who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us.

I'm the guy who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your boyfriend.

I'm the guy who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word.

Maybe I Tried Too Hard.

Love, life
One speaks for the other one here.
And love, life
One speaks for the other one now.
I'll try to get by.

Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
You'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
You'll break my heart.
You'll break my heart.

'Cause ever since the minute I saw your face,
Well, I knew I wanted to be in that place, next to you, yeah.
And now I'll spend my whole life tryin'
To be the one that's in your arms.
I'll try to get by.

Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
You'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
You'll break my heart.
You'll break my heart.
You'll break my heart.

Isn't it alright?
Why can't it be just this once alright?
It will be you and me.

Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
You'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
You'll break my heart.

You'll break my heart.

Oh God, I Need This So Much.

i don't like doin anything for myself
and that's what i'm about
i like to do things for people
and do it all my life
but i'm a li'l too sensitive i believe...
sometimes i can't even handle myself.
that's why i need somebody.
who would know what it means when i smile
when i laugh
when i cry
when i frown
when i'm feelin down.
when i squeeze myself into the darkest corner of the house.
when i can't see anything but him.
that's what i am


"and what is he supposed to do for you?"
anything he wants
i don't want him to do anything
i aint askin anything more than understanding me
i don't want gifts more than love
i don't need flowers..
i need his smile
i don't need any material gifts..
i'd rather lie back and spend some time with him.
talkin or just sittin silent.